CoLu Week!
by MadSoullessQueen
Summary: It's the second most important Ship week of the year (after MardLu Week)! Strap in and get ready to lose your sanity as our favorite fourth wall wrecking ball prepares for another week dedicated to his wonky and beautiful family with Lucy (Sunshine) and their son Hemlock! Includes 2019 info, Principal's Office and 7 days from 2018! 2019 prompts by Dragon'sHost!
1. Announcement

Cobra sat in the basement, looking through his scrap album of his life with Sunshine and their only child Hemlock. So many memories from the long years, together and all the crazy that only a love and insanity like this can bring. He traced his finger over Lock and Ava's wedding picture, trying to stifle the moisture in his eye. It was not a tear, he wasn't that much of a sappy kind of guy...

Fuck it.

He really was, his life with Sunshine was everything that was amazing, psychotic and wonderful on his little wonky world. Cobra flipped the page, staring at the next picture for a minute before looking up.

"Hola reader! Guess what?" he asks and patiently waits for the beautiful person reading this to either answer or blink in confusion. Cobra lets out a sigh and rakes his hand through his hair, "CoLu Week 2019! Dragon'sHost has sounded the alarm and let's get this out on the calendar, so EVERYONE can have some fun."

Cobra slams back his Bleachito and grins wildly. This is his favorite week, there's much to do and stories to tell. "Details, let's go," he stands up, closes the album so you can't see the next coming events, cause spoilers and stretches. He walks over to the white board and begins to scribble, because his handwriting is for shit. Thanks to the power of magical translation, the scribbled mess rearranges to a nice neat little list.

**June 16 - 22, 23 bonus day**

**Day 1: Thread**

**Day 2: Legal**

**Day 3: Foamy**

**Day 4: Sweater**

**Day 5: Windy**

**Day 6: Grain**

**Day 7: Resonant**

**Bonus Day: Download**

The poison slayer waits a second before clearing his throat, "now, like 2018 we are going to play this around_ Principal's Office_." He notices a bit of confusion before he smacks his forehead in the coolest face palm ever done. "Tell ya what reader, how about we repost the original story and some of the CoLu 2018 prompts that won't get me into trouble."

Satisfied with the idea, he takes a step back and like magic, chapters start filling in the empty space after this one. Least then there's something fun to read.

* * *

_Dragon has given the heads up! Time again for my second favorite ship week of the year and I can't wait for all the crazy that will come out of it. Till then buckle up and let's revisit some fun memories from 2018._

_Review, fave and follow! All the site safe 2019 prompts will be posted here and everything else on other sites._


	2. Principal's Office

**Principal's Office**

* * *

_Cobra and Lucy are stuck dealing with another one of Hemlock's science experiments; three million jewels worth of damage, but zero deaths. Cobra reflects on their parenting abilities, his life with his crazy wife and the fact he can see up her skirt. Rated M because it's CoLu, so there's swearing and some antics a kid should never have as blackmail material._

* * *

"He's your son." Lucy said as she plopped down in the waiting room chair.

"I know." Erik put his head into his hands. Good boy and he's mommy's; bad boy and suddenly he gets blamed. Not like he could have predicted their kid would have his poison ability and her level of crazy.

"I'm going to go grey before he finishes high school." She sighed and leaning over she rested her head on his shoulder.

Cobra kissed the top of her head. "I know, already winning that race Sunshine." The grey hairs started moving in around his temples a few weeks ago.

"How bad is the bill this time?"

"Three million after hospital expenses and redoing the air filtration system of the science wing." So far they were taking S-class jobs just to keep up with his expenses. Their son was awesome at two things, being totally crazy (mom's fault really) and science.

"Can't we just sell him to the gypsies?" She sighed.

"No can do Sunshine, we tried remember?" They really didn't, but it was fun to joke about the concept. It actually kept their son in line until he was twelve and found out that gypsies don't buy babies. Also he was past the expiration date for what they purchase if they still did.

"What about handing him to Mira? She was so desperate for us to get together and have babies." Lucy asked and she did have a point. Ever since he danced with her at the guild's Valentine's Day party (on a fucking dare, thank you blue balls) Mira did everything to get them together.

Cobra couldn't really complain too hard about that. The last seventeen years of being with Lucy and having Hemlock was like a dream come true. Until the little stinker decided that he really wanted to be a mad scientist when he grew up. Lock definitely had both versions of the word mad down. The kid was crazier than both of them together and had their anger issues.

"Sure, how do you want the apocalypse, extra crispy or original flavor?" A valid question, add in Lock with Mira's kids and it was goodbye world!

Lucy bounced up in her seat. "Oh we should have chicken tonight."

"Sunshine, don't ever fucking change." He kissed her guild mark; loving how quickly she could keep up with his mindlessness. Also, her home made fried chicken with cyanide BBQ sauce was his favorite. Next to that one thing she does with her tongue when the kid isn't around.

"Mr. and Mrs. Heartfilia?" They both sighed and slowly stood up. Cobra didn't have a last name so when they married, he took hers.

That was a great day.

He decided it as he woke up that morning and looked at her all curled up next to him. So, he gave her a hit of chloroform, carried her very sexy butt to the guild, screamed at Gramps to do the ceremony before she's fully conscious and married her in her pajamas. Erik knew if he waited for her logical mind to kick in, she'd get all weird about it. Her soul always said differently, so that was as much consent as he needed.

"Please Erik and Lucy by now, we see you so often." She said as they walked into Mr. Whatever-his-Name's office. Lucky for him, Lucy was the people person; all he had to do was not kill anyone.

"I'm assuming we'll have the standard payment plan?" Lucy asked.

"Yes, but this time Hemlock Heartfilia is going to be expelled. We've tried, but frankly your son has issues and we can no longer accommodate the damage he causes." Mr. Moron-of-the-Year said. The smug guy just sat back in his chair and leered at the parents.

"What? He has the right to an education!" Lucy stood straight up and leaned over the guy's desk. Her soul went from angelic choir to heavy metal death mode. Cobra leaned back a little and got to sneak a peak at her red lacy panties.

"So do the other kids he almost killed with his little gas experiment." The guy went straight to red.

"Almost, very important word you little overpaid worm." She snapped back.

_I'm going to skin this fucker, tan his hide and make new bitch boots out of him. Then feed his entrails to my fucking rose bush._ Her soul was so much fun to listen to and his imagination had a great time picturing those boots. Then again she wasn't wearing anything else, so that helped.

He loved her like this but it wasn't helping anything other than his twisted sense of humor. So he tickled the back of her knee and let her glare at him. "Can't educate 'em if they are dead Sunshine."

Her attention went back to Mr Stupid-of-the-Year; "More like can't sock the parents for the stupidly high tuition if they are dead."

"Either way, Hemlock is a very bright child…"

Cobra snorted, "The kid has a four point two GPA, he damn well better be smart." Now that he got from his mom, god Lucy was so intelligent it was like you couldn't classify her. Yet somehow she managed to never make him feel like an idiot.

"GPA only proves how much bullshit he can tolerate, it's not indicative of IQ just how much work he does." Lucy corrected and Cobra knew better than to push.

They had this talk over and over again. She doesn't believe that a parent should ever tell their kids that they are smart but tell them they are hard working and excellent problem solvers. This way they keep working hard and blah blah blah, she said other stuff but he pretty much had her clothes off at that point.

"The judgment is final." Mr. Seriously-does-this-Guy-have-a-Name, said.

"I'd like to see the letter from the school board."

"Excuse me?"

"The school board, you cannot just expel without authorization from the school board. Also I'd like to have the incident report…" His wife went into her full 'thou does not fuck with my child' mode.

Erik leaned back and put his hands behind his head. Still enjoying the view up his wife's skirt. He was cataloging everything he was doing to her tonight, after they dealt with Hemlock. That kid, he loved him but wow, some days he really felt he was over his head.

"And furthermore, I expect all that accomplished within seventy two hours. Do you understand Mr. Jacobsen?" She stood up and turned to look over at her husband. Within the span of a nanosecond she went from 'fuck your soul' to "Mr. Heartfilia, let's go home baby." Complete with rainbow happy sunshine smile and voice tone.

Cobra stood up, adjusted his pants and turned to follow his wife out the door. He paused for a moment, looking at the principal, "don't get embarrassed, my wife can always make a guy rock hard and piss himself in fear at the same time."

He followed behind his wife as she marched like she was leading an army of demons. Oh it was her walk of doom and it was sexy. Lucy was still growling when Cobra got the best idea ever. Coming up to the right was a cleaning supply closet, so he grabbed his wife's arm and pushed her in there.

Erik pushed her up against the wall and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. Some of the supplies scattered around the floor but he didn't care. Sometimes a man just has needs and with a wife as hot as his, you just don't wait till you get home.

"Hemlock ever gets this idea into his head, I'll blame you." Lucy hissed.

"Shut up, it's your fault."

"Oh really?" She pulled on his earring with her teeth, damn he loved that.

"Sunshine, shut up and either remove the panties nicely or I rip them off." He growled as he dropped his pants as fast as possible.

* * *

Outside of the cleaning closet a certain blonde haired boy was walking down the hall. The principal said his parents just left which was obvious by the lack of them and that the guy was white as a ghost and he swore he smelt piss in the room. _Someone dealt with mom in crazy protective bitch mode._

He could smell his parents, almost like he was right on top of them. A noise caught his attention from the cleaning supply closet.

"Oh god yes! Come on baby I love your anaconda." He heard and his brows rose. Seriously mom, snake references?

His parents were getting their freak on in the cleaning supply closet. Which was both simultaneously awesome and scary at the same time. One day when he found a chick as psychotic and beautiful as mom, he hoped to be as stupidly in love as them.

Hemlock always in need of good blackmail material; pulled out his phone and turned on the camera.

"Fuck Sunshine, too damn tight." His father growled. Wow dad, get you some!

Hemlock was trying like hell to not laugh listening to this. "So going to need therapy for the next eighty years." He whispered before he ripped opened the door and snapped his images.

"Lock!" His parents yelled as he shut the door again.

Trying to not look too closely at the pictures, he sent one to both his parents with the message of "So about that car I wanted?"

* * *

_The original story that built the world for CoLu 2018. Now let's get into the safe prompts, for more fun!_

_Review, fave, follow!_


	3. 2018: Defect

_**2018, Defect - 17 years before Principal's Office**_

* * *

Lucy had the flu for what felt like forever. She blamed Levy for it. Her best friend came down with something horrible and threw up on her. Then again, they were like eight margaritas in for the night. The celestial mage didn't pay much attention to it other than the fact her dress was absolutely ruined.

Today was when other things clicked into place, like the fact that her period seemed to have a defect. She was two weeks late, which had never happened to her before. Her sexy new hubby didn't mind, they had practically uninterrupted sex for the last six weeks or so. Starting with the mating and well into the honeymoon phase.

Not like she could say no to him, for as crazy as he is, she could keep up. Though right now, she had other concerns. Like the fact she was running for the bathroom again. After throwing up like crazy and washing her mouth out, she decided to run to Porlyscuria.

The old cranky lady had issues with humans, but in a pinch, she was always there to take care of Fairy Tail. So, Lucy braced herself and knocked on the treehouse door.

"Go away smelly human!" She shouted.

"Please, I need help…. I think…." Lucy called out before she started crying. It was way too much at this moment. Everything in the last weeks was overwhelming and a part of her wouldn't have it any other way but another part of her was scared.

The door ripped open and Lucy felt small to be under the scowl of the doctor. She let out an audible gulp, "thank you."

Porlyscuria gave her a curt nod and led her inside. Lucy was always amazed to be in here, seeing how it was so much more than the unassuming tree would lead you to believe. It had beds and little bottles all over the place, the light reflecting the colors. Herbs and other things dangled from the ceiling and despite the cranky woman here, it was serene.

Porlyscuria patted the exam bed and Lucy hopped up. The first thing she did was grab her arm and study the green chemical symbol markings on it. "You survived the poison slayer mating you?" She asked.

"Yeah, maybe that's why I'm sick…." Lucy's voice trailed off.

The doctor snorted, "no you don't. Don't lie to me, you think you're pregnant."

Lucy nodded and wrapped her arms around her middle. "We just mated and then he surprised me with a wedding a couple weeks ago. It wasn't much but it was fun."

It would have helped if she was mentally all there for the wedding. Nope, her one-eyed maniac had up and decided to hit her with some chloroform and drag her to the alter. The memories were still fuzzy, but she had a collection of stories of pictures.

Lucy was in her pajamas, which she didn't remember wearing the night before as the world started to come into focus. Erik was right in front of her in a t-shirt with fangs on it and a warning that he bites and a pair of flannel pants. People were standing around them as Gramps spoke.

"Lucy do you take Erik to be your husband. To love and protect, honor and cherish; until death do you part?" Gramps asked as Cobra cupped her cheek.

Lucy shrugged, "Yeah, okay…. Can I go back to bed now?" Her mate chuckled as she put a ring, which she had no idea where the hell she had gotten it, onto his finger.

"Then by the power given to me as your Guild Master, I pronounce you husband and wife, you may put your wife back in bed, so we can party."

Instead he kissed the ever-living hell out of her and that's when she started to wake up. Loud cheers and wolf whistles filtered the room and Lucy blinked many times. "Huh?"

"Your soul wanted to marry this fine ass, so here we are. I stole your last name, didn't think you'd mind."

"Oh, well okay then. Any other life altering surprises you want to spring on me while I'm drugged up on something?"

"Naw, I'm good Sunshine." He said and this time she kissed him.

"You know, when a slayer finds a mate they can breed. You're not the first one to conceive at mating." She said as she pushed Lucy back on the bed and put on some gloves.

"I'm on the pill and I take that shit seriously." Lucy said groaning a little as she slid her panties down.

Porlyscuria snorted, "that's what they all say."

"Some of us actually mean it." Lucy sighed she wasn't in the mood to pick a fight. She also wasn't in the mood to be laying here.

Lucy felt her prod at her as she placed a hand over her pelvis. "Yep, six weeks. You look pale and thin, morning sickness."

"Afternoon, night and anytime I eat or drink, this sucks." Lucy said as she sat up while Porlyscuria started grabbing herbs and things.

"It's common, it'll be over in a few more weeks. Once you hit that mark, no more dangerous missions and you keep that fire moron away. No more drinking and partying, you'll need about ten hours of sleep a night." She said her voice forceful and Lucy flinched.

"Oh goddess, I'm always tired." The celestial mage groaned.

The cranky lady handed her a bag, "one for nausea and one is your vitamins. Eat a well-balanced diet, more protein and calcium. I want you back in a month, when you hit thirty weeks, it'll be weekly." She said and for a moment Lucy thought she was softening.

"Thank you." Said Lucy as she hopped off the table. "How much?"

"Tch. You're guild, I don't charge for guild." She said with a strange look to her face, it almost looked like a smile.

Lucy bowed and thanked her again before turning to leave. As she walked home, reality set in and she started crying. How the hell was she going to tell him? What if he didn't want a baby? "Fuck." She whispered to herself as she came upon the guild doors.

Before she could open them up, they opened for her and out walked her crazy one-eyed mate. He had a grin on his face that made her fucking nervous until he kissed her like the world was going to end.

* * *

His mate's soul was always fun to listen to and her scent, especially aroused drew him to her. He'd noticed some changes with her, besides the fucking vomiting for a few weeks now. Especially her scent, fuck it was good before, really good but it dialed to eleven and he couldn't stay away from that.

To his un-surprise she punched him, "what da fuck, Sunshine."

"Don't you 'what da fuck', me. You knew! I know you. You fucking knew and didn't have the balls to say something." She bristled at him and he laughed while flicking her forehead.

"I have balls Sunshine, you know that. You like to play with them." He said grinning at her.

"Oh, go fuck yourself. Why didn't you say something?" She said and if he had to guess he was exactly zero point six seconds away from a Lucy Kick.

"Ruin the surprise for you? Shit we all knew, you're just blonde." Cobra retorted and on impact, his smart ass got himself a kick.

* * *

Looking up he notices the audience reading this. "Yo, how you doing? I'm in fucking pain now."

Cobra rubbed his forehead and took in a deep breath. "This is why I love her crazy ass, that and well...you've read sex scenes between us, you know the thing she does with her tongue." He sighed and closed his eye for a moment, smiling in a way that's eerily serene.

"Right, back to story and welcome to day one!"

The scene unfreezes and because he's a fourth wall wrecking ball he's up on his feet.

* * *

"Oh, shit Sunshine, start the foreplay." He grinned at her as she bristled. Fuck she's adorable.

That's right, adorable.

"That's how I got into this fucking mess!" She yelled hitting his shoulder.

"Baby girl, calm down. We all like watching you beat the hell out of the asshole but have a drink." Lush Queen said as she put her arm around Sunshine.

"I can't fucking drink! This asshole knocked me up." Lucy yelled, and crickets started chirping.

Cobra grinned and waited for the morons to finally catch up. Sadly, they did, and the noise went straight to factor nine thousand. Between all the happy music souls and the loud congrats, he was going to have a fucking migraine over this shit. Definitely a concussion from her damn kick.

"You know I loves you Sunshine." He said, taking her hand and kissing it. Because he's so fucking good and suave his little pissed off mate smiled at him. She instantly went from 'fuck your soul' to 'happy fun rainbow shit'.

"Love you too, asshole." She said before grabbing his fine ass and yanking him into a kiss.

The guild went into full tilt party mode, with all the usual crazy. Brawls, drinks and sadly his mate got cornered by Mira who was already babbling about names and hair color and other fucked up shit.

Cobra just got done throwing a hit of Liquid Dirty Tricks at Laxus when he saw Sunshine yawn. She looked like she was wobbling on her feet and instead of watching Laxus trip balls, he grabbed her. "Yeah babe, let's get you home and tucked into bed."

"That's code for more sex isn't it?" She said, half asleep.

"Probably not, I'm a nice guy and you need to sleep…" He said, and she snorted.

"No, you're not," said Sunshine.

"What? You doubt me?" Came the reply complete with mocking tone.

"You being nice was how I got into this." She laughed as he held her close.

Sunshine wasn't wrong, he saved her from being date raped in a club. Some fucking moron, that he hunted down and beat senseless later, had spiked her drink. Because he's a nice guy, like really nice guy, complete with shoulder angels and stuff; Erik let her work off the effects on him.

Cobra knew/knows (whatever) his poisons and shit, but his anti-venom refused to work on it. Which lead to their fucking like rabbits (which he wanted to do when he first met her) in the bathroom. How the fuck the mating thing kicked in he had no clue. He knew damn well she was his mate, knew it the first moment he met her, when he was all evil and shit.

The way it happened was fucked up, it had something to do with the first time they fucked, some kind of bite and a shit ton of poison. Since everyone knows he's a nice guy, Erik would have preferred to talk to her about it first, lifelong commitment and all that but that didn't happen. Nope, instead Sunshine came again from being poisoned and when the magic died down; his whole world changed.

Mating is a really messed up thing, not only were they marked as mates (fucking cool constellations up his arms), but he could feel some of her emotions and she could feel his. So, when she took him home and rode him like a fucking stallion till morning, he had no complaints; she was way too fucking horny for that to be normal.

* * *

_While Sunshine was half asleep in his arms as he walked he takes a second to look at you. "There you go, now you know about the concussion I got finding out about Lock and other stuff. I expect your fine asses back here for Water. Now be good readers and review, fave and follow this shit."_

_He hears a soft growl and flinches, "sorry, author babe it isn't shit. This is fun, I love you."_


	4. 2018: Water

_**2018: Water – 16 years before Principal's Office**_

* * *

"I fucking hate you!" Sunshine screamed at him as he carried her huge ass into the hospital emergency room. People all stood to attention as he walked in with her and hell did he hate the way hospitals smell. Though the cleaning shit they used isn't bad on ice with a few mint leaves (pro tip bitches!).

"I'm not the one who tried to drown the bed in a metric fuck ton of water." Erik groaned as his wife started beating on him. Five minutes ago, he was peacefully asleep, his Sunshine curled up against him while the beast inside of her was relentlessly kicking like it was auditioning for River Dance. Five minutes ago, he was dreaming of his Sunshine naked, covered in the viscera of that obnoxious blue cat while singing "Happy Happy Joy Joy." It was a pretty amazing dream. It had all of his favorite things in it.

Viscera, check.

Dead Happy, check.

Song from a 90's cartoon show, check.

Naked ass Sunshine…oh hell yeah triple check!

Now he's rampaging through an emergency room getting glared at by people and fucking soaked.

* * *

The scene slows down as Cobra takes a moment to look at you. "We went completely cliché as fuck, awesome, I know." Least Sunshine wasn't screaming at him because why the fuck wouldn't you turn off her volume to break a fourth wall.

"Day two, water. AKA the day Sunshine really fucking hates me for knocking her up." He said before flashing you a grin and letting the chaos settle back into the world.

* * *

"God! Someone get this thing out of me!" Sunshine started screaming and Erik just grinned. "You say one snarky….ughhhhhhhhh….fucking thing….ACK! Mother Fucker!"

"So, I can say two things?" He asked, trying to actually be nice.

No, he wasn't.

He was totally being a dick but it's okay Sunshine loves him.

"I am going to cut your dick off!" She yelled as someone slow as fuck ancient nurse brought out a wheel chair.

"You will not. I'm attached to it and you're attached to me." Cobra said as he put her into the wheelchair. The nurse grabbed the back of it and Sunshine crushed the fuck out of his hand. "Ouch! Fuck!" He started yelling as she squeezed.

"You have no idea just how much this hurts!" She yelled.

"But Sunshine think of all the fun we had putting mini beast in there." He said and was quickly dick punched. Erik immediately fell on the floor, curled up into a ball and waited patiently for some kind of demon to drag him off to hell.

"Ouch…" he said his voice about three times higher than normal.

"You deser…. Fuck!" Sunshine screamed as the nurse all but ran with her down the hallway.

His eyes watered as he struggled for breath, the pain in his crotch unlike anything he had ever known. For fuck's sake they never dick punched him in the Tower. Trying to catch his breath he heard his mate scream again and this time he found the strength to man up and go watch that kid rip her apart.

Which that was weird.

Oh god…would her snatch ever survive this?

Could he ever look at her twat the same way again?

What the hell did he do?

On cue Marvin Gaye's "Let's get it On" started to play as he stares up at the ceiling. Oh, that's right, they had sex. Wild crazy spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor. The kind that had them both screaming and covered in BBQ sauce. Hmmmm…. fried chicken night.

Right there, he could still see how luscious she looked as she was riding him. Those big beautiful breasts bouncing in perfect tune to the music. The way her hair flowed around her like one of those awesome shampoo commercials. Full lips open as she moaned, like a choir of fucking angels. Oh yeah…that's the memory.

"Are you Mr. Heartfilia?" The music stopped, a cliché record needle being removed sound hit his ears as the music and flashback stopped. Least if anything he knew his dick still worked.

"I don't do autographs or sellfies." He said as the guy who was probably the Hulk's stunt double without green skin helped him up.

"Your wife is right this way." He said.

"I don't think she likes me right now." Erik admitted.

"Probably not, but after the baby is born she'll like you again." Hulk stand-in said with some kind of sugar coated grin on his face. "First one?"

"Yep, probably only one." Erik replied and was pretty fucking certain Sunshine would cut his dick off if this happened again.

The guy handed him a little outfit to wear in the room. Erik wasn't going to argue men's fashion but after all that fucking water she let out he kind of wanted a welding mask, industrial apron and some rain boots. Sliding on the clothes her braced himself for having to see his Sunshine hate him.

Deep breath.

Erik pushed through the doors and there was Sunshine sitting up in the bed with her feet in stirrups. She looked like crap and by crap she looked fucking amazing.

"Holy shit Sunshine, this is happening!" He said as he leaned against the bed and put his arm around her.

"You are getting snipped, you….ACK!...hear me?" Sunshine said as she panted through the contractions.

"Fine, fine." He rolled his eye and just as quickly his ear was grabbed. His head forced down Sunshine twisted his ear for additional pain.

"Do not….. fuck you people!...say fine." She yelled and Cobra only had one response.

It was the greatest response ever taught to man.

The one great response that solves all problems.

The truest of all responses.

"Yes dear."

Magically his ear was released as she smiled at him. How the fuck she did "murder your soul" to "love you baby happy unicorn" in the span of a nanosecond was beyond him. Not that he actually ever wanted to find out, he kind of liked her this way.

"Can you please get this thing out of me?" Sunshine whined/screamed.

"You're at nine, at this rate few more minutes. Everything looks good so far." The doctor said and being curious Erik peaked under the cover.

He regretted that instantly and decided he was never going to think of that moment ever again. He was going to buy a billion gallons of brain bleach. Instead now he focused on his wife and part of him actually felt like an asshole.

Sunshine was really in a shit storm of pain. That bothered him, he hated it when she hurt.

"Ten! On the next contraction I need you to push." The nurse yelled as Erik looked into his wife's eyes. She grabbed his hand and he let her, knowing damn well it was going to break but not caring.

Sunshine closed her eyes and had this look on her face as if she was taking the biggest shit known to man. Yet she looked relieved for a moment and then she tensed and growled.

"Doing very good, another push on the next contraction."

Erik kissed her forehead and held her as they went through six cycles of her looking good and making shit faces. Then it happened.

A scream.

The earth split apart as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse all showed up into the room. They got off their horses and kneeled before the disturbing bloody lizard thingy that was screaming in the doctor's hands. Least that's the way it should have happened because damn it, Cobra and Sunshine just had a kid. Where the fuck is the respect?

"It's a boy!"

"Ohmuhgawd! Erik." Sunshine yelled, her voice finally mostly back to happy fun land.

Erik was frozen in place; this whole thing was pretty epic. Except for the smell, holy shit.

Shit.

Did Sunshine take a massive fucking dump in here?

"Would you like to cut the cord?" The doctor asked, and Erik was okay with doing that.

Carefully he used the little snips to cut right through the tubing that connected his wife's snatch to his kid's belly button. After that he went back to looking at his Sunshine as a nurse took their kid to go get pretty.

"Did you pick out a name?" Sunshine asked him.

"Yep, best name ever." Erik replied. They made the decision that if the mini beast was a boy he got to pick the name.

"No, Erik, Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All is not a viable name." Sunshine said and there went his hopes and dreams. He really wanted to name his kid that because it was badass.

"Fine. Hemlock Lucifer Heartfilia." Cobra said with a smile.

"Lucifer? Seriously?"

He crossed his arms and glared at her. "Yes, seriously."

"Give me one reason why Lucifer is an acceptable name." She asked.

"Have you met me?" He laughed as he pressed his lips to her temple. "Besides we had a deal, technically I still like Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All better."

"Can we compromise, my hubby who watches too much TV?"

"What?"

"Crowley. Hemlock Crowley Heartfilia." Sunshine said and like magic he fell in love with her crazy ass all over again. Also it sounded better than Lucifer, and really it would be like naming his kid after Sunshine. Because most days Cobra was really certain her full name was Lucifer.

"I love you Sunshine. Crowley it is." The nurse came back over and there hiding under some kind of blue burrito wrapping was little Hemlock Crowley Heartfilia.

* * *

Erik wipes away the tear from his eye as he looks at the pudgy squishy face. "Hey reader….go fav, review and follow this. Excuse me now. I wanna cry and stuff. My kid…he's so awesome."

* * *

And the mini-beast is in the world! Bonus points if you know where the names mentioned in here are from!

All the sugar coated cyanide lollipops to everyone here so far!


	5. 2018: Invite

_**2018: Invite – 2 years before Principal's Office**_

* * *

"Dad! Most awesome father in the world." Lock called to him in that strange little happy voice he gets. The same fucking happy voice his mom has. The one that precedes some kind of damn request or something.

Cobra looked up from the stove and saw his son still in his pajamas. This was not a good sign, ever. "Okay Lock, what do you want?"

"Mom is out of town…."

"It's a school day." Cobra interrupted, trying to be the responsible dad like person. Trying is a keyword here folks.

"But it's also," he ran a hand through his blonde hair, "Valentine's Day and I just can't…"

"What all the girls? Or guys? It's okay either way, mini-beast." Erik shrugged as he flipped over the arsenic pancake he was making.

"Girls, there's a dance and they get all weird and I don't want to deal with it. I'm never sick and mom is out of town and…." Hemlock's voice trailed off and Erik just happily grinned to himself.

"You want to stay home, play video games and have some awkward conversations about sex and hair and the fact your voice goes high and low and high again?"

Lock turned bright red and banged his head into the wall. "Yeah…"

"It's cool, mom won't mind." Least he hoped she wouldn't. Sunshine was very big on Lock's education. Truthfully so was he because he didn't have one. School of Hard Knocks gets you part of the way in the world, reading and writing and shit handled the rest. Cobra loved the fact that quietly it was his Sunshine that taught him. She never EVER fucking treated him like he was a moron.

"Can I help?" He asked, his large dark purple eyes wide. Lock was really the right mix between the two of them, he had his dad's eye color, poison abilities and body build, but his mom's hair color, wicked motherfucking intelligence and nose.

"Get the plates and syrup. You are not allowed to touch the stove." Erik said. Hemlock tried to make them breakfast once. It was kind of nice, little sweet but holy shit the kid wasn't paying attention and the kitchen rag got close to the burner. From there, all the screaming and smoke.

* * *

Cobra expertly flips the pancake like Gordon fucking Ramsey and looks over at you. "Welcome to day three, invite. Special day cause it's me and mini-beast, don't worry Sunshine will come along later but let's be honest here. You know we together."

Letting the world go back to normal speed, he finishes up the breakfast and takes a seat.

* * *

They sat down at the little round wooden table as Lock drowned his pancakes in syrup. Kid had a sugar addiction, which was fine, daddy had one too.

Their house was pretty modest or that's what Sunshine says, to him it's the fucking Taj Mahal. They had three bedrooms, one and a half baths, a library or study or whatever the fuck is the room with a desk and a shit ton of books, nice outside garden, pretty stainless and marble kitchen and the most important room in the house, his man cave. That's right the basement was tricked out with all the necessities, pool table, comfy fucking chairs, big ass LacrimaVision, video game consoles and his computer rig. Fuck yeah, he games and chills, cause why not beat the hell out of piss ants from comfort.

"Okay kid, here's the deal. You clean that shit hole you call a room today and you can stay home. We'll do like some father son bonding." Best way to test that kid's commitment to staying home. Make him clean that room.

Okay he was going to make Lock do it before Sunshine got home. This, was so much easier.

Lock grumbled and ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, dad."

"Not very convincing. Wanna try again?" Cobra asked because he could and because he did expect a better reply. After all he's put up with a lot of shit having mini-beast around. Like getting his balls snipped. Yep, Sunshine hauled his ass into the doc's office for that when Lock turned one and they had a baby scare.

Then there was all the other shit, terrible twos, teething, growing pains, finding out the kid eats poison like daddy, playground arguments and all the fuck ton of trouble he causes at school. However, as Cobra looked at his kid and saw what an amazeballs young man he was turning into, it wasn't so bad.

Lock looked at him and went straight for the same toothy grin he has. "On it, dad!"

Erik leaned over and ruffled the kid's hair. "Cool, I'll handle the school. You get started on your room."

He cleaned up the dishes, cause he's a good fucking mate and hubby and also bugs sucked and the stench of leftovers, also fucking sucked. Erik may also be just a tiny bit of a neat freak. Okay fuck it, he was and one of the reasons why Sunshine and him clicked so very well together. Though her OCD was off the mother fucking charts.

Lock ran in and out of the kitchen with various plates and glasses, some of which wasn't even identifiable. When he raised a questioning brow, Lock would only shrug and say something about bacteria and mold collecting for science. Which was totally bullshit but sounded good.

After dishes he called the school and let them know Lock wouldn't be in today. The stupid lady on the phone almost sounded relieved. Cobra didn't get it, most of the time mini-beast was a great kid. Nose mostly clean as it were.

Though when the kid fucked up, it was fucking big. Either in a science lab or when morons decided to try and bully him. The first time Lock poisoned some asses for being jerks, his dad totally high fived him. Sunshine, not so much because those kids were normal, and the parents lost their shit. Erik handled that pretty well…with poison threats and reminding them to be grateful that their little hateful bastards were still alive. Keyword threat, he didn't do it.

Namely to say, it still wasn't a fun fun day. Fuck though, he was proud of his kid for standing up for himself.

Heading down the stairs he turned on the dimmed lights, grabbed an energy drink from the fridge and sat back in his favorite chair. As patiently as he gets he waited for Lock to come down and join him. This should be a great day, Erik loved bonding with mini-beast and now, after 14 years he'd get to have the talk. Like the real fucking talk not the sterilized science-based shit.

Polishing off his can, he heard Lock coming down the stairs and glancing over the kid had his laundry basket. Erik got up and helped him with it. Their kid had almost nil domestic skills, but he was always willing to learn. So, after reminding him, again, that bleach doesn't go on the colored stuff they started the washing machine.

Grabbing another energy drink and handing one to Lock they got comfy with X-Box controllers in their hands. He figured if he waited a few minutes while running around and shooting at morons on the maps, they could start talking.

Few minutes equals few hours and before he knew it was lunch time. Lock though looked really fucking relaxed, which was good; cause now the heavy talks were going to begin. They rummaged through the fridge and made some badass sandwiches before sitting back at the little table. Usually they always ate at the table because Sunshine liked it better that way. However, for pizza, Netflix and sex night; fuck yeah, they ate downstairs.

"So…you got questions, or do I just start talking?" He asked.

"Dad, how do you know if a girl likes you?" Lock blushed a bit.

"Fuck, that's a mom question, she knows how girl heads work. But….here's what I've observed from our relationship." Erik said trying to recall that now was not the time to go over things like awesome blow jobs and mating hormones.

"It's not going to get awkward is it? I mean you guys are really loud."

"Nope, keeping this shit PG…"

"Dad, you don't have a PG button."

"Touche." He grinned at his kid and ruffled his hair again. "Okay so like your mom was really nice to me. She treated me like a real human being not some strange ass dragon slayer ex-evil asshat. Sunshine would talk to me on occasion but left me alone when I needed it. Oh, and gifts, she liked to bake for me, on special occasions and I just knew it was okay to trust her. There's like a feeling you get in your gut and your dick about a girl. If she kind of goes with the vibe you feel, she likes you. If not, walk away slowly and find someone else. So, who's the girl?"

Lock shrugged and looked down at this sandwich. Cobra raised a brow and grinned, oh there was a girl involved he liked. Frist crush, totally awesome and he knew about it first! Ha! Dad 1, mom 0.

"Mini-beast? Come on tell dad."

"You won't like it. She's…."

"Above the hot-crazy line?"

"Yeah but she's so pretty and smart, like she runs rings around me and it's awesome."

"That narrows it down. Not too many people do that. Let me guess she has green hair, white trippy eyes and dresses like she just walked out of the apocalypse?" Erik is a great dad, like best in the fucking world. So awesome in fact that he knew all the people pretty much around his kid. Then again since Lock and most of the kids from Fairy Tail and around the neighborhood grew up together, there wasn't THAT many to keep track of.

Hemlock's eyes went wide as he paled. Erik shrugged, "she's cool, nice kid…in some ways she reminds me of your mom."

"Really?"

"Yep, different crazy type but that's her magic. Slightly shy and self-conscious unless in her own element or back is against the wall. Reads like a mofo and talks all pretty like." Did he mention that he knew the kids around his son? After all, can't poison them without knowing them.

"She's my lab partner and just a few weeks, she started looking like even hotter."

"That's called hormones and that's alright. You should start noticing these things."

Lock set down his sandwich and swallowed hard, oh this conversation was going in ye old direction of lady palmy. "Hormones also lead to…"

"All the masturbation kid. It's cool and normal. Now that you're getting into it we gotta talk lube, tube socks, and safest porn sites."

"Dad…this is weird." Lock groaned and fuck if Erik cared, this was like the moment he was waiting for. A chance to embarrass, in the comfort of their home, his kid.

"Hey, you're home today to talk about this shit. You invited me to speak about this, so no bitching, moaning, groaning or freaking out. I ain't mom, not going to discuss all the science."

"Yeah, you're right."

That right there, that one little phrase…all the parenting bullshit, totally worth it. "I know I'm right." He grinned, because it was fucking true.

Lock punched his shoulder and smiled, the embarrassing blush on his face fading away. "I know about the sites, went through your browser history."

"Right on, kiddo." They fist bumped, he loved it when Lock got all sneaky. Hey, it's a valuable fucking skill.

"So, I'm assuming you've done other research on masturbating, because it's you?"

"Just some forum posts and advice articles on parenting sites. So weird reading advice from parents to parents about this shit." Lock leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. "I mean it's the only way to get sane advice."

"Don't know, I just kind of wing this parenting thing. Your mom read like every book she could find, and you know what?"

"What?"

"They were bullshit, you did your own thing and still do. Okay so do you think, Ava was going to ask you to the dance or something?" He said, being awesome and changing the conversation. Later he was going to talk to Freed about this because getting ahold of his wife was almost impossible. Merlin was batshit crazy and he liked the chick, but she was like never around. He didn't know all the details but something about her magic being really fucked up and Freed wanted Ava to spend a few years growing up in Fairy Tail.

"I don't think so. I don't think she likes me, likes me." Kid looked really sad and Cobra hated seeing sad mini-beast.

"She might. You didn't go to school today, maybe she could have surprised you."

"Or she may have crushed my soul with not bothering."

"Would it have killed you to ask her out?"

Lock paled and slammed his head into the table. "That's a yep. Okay you got like typical teenage guy shyness."

"Did you get shy around mom?"

"Nope, scared out of my fucking mind, yes, shy hell no. You've met me." Lock hit his head a couple more times and groaned. "Look I also met her when we were both adults, makes a difference."

"You think I should man up and go ask her?" He asked.

"Man up is a stupid fucking phrase. Best phrase you can use is 'what would dad do'," he grinned and rubbed the back of his neck, "that's legal." Lock let out a laugh, he had a great laugh, like almost as awesome as Sunshine's. The kid's soul was also mellowing out, which was good.

Mini-beast picked up his head and grinned. "Dad would march up to her, smile tell her she has great shoes ask her to fuck and then throw her ass over his shoulder and run like his ass was on fire."

Cobra's jaw dropped.

Almost hitting the table, that's how fucking wide it was.

* * *

"Yo, reader, can you believe this? The kid perfectly knows me. I bet he grows up to be just me. Oh, hell yeah, end of the world here we come!" He says with the self-satisfied grin on his face.

Picking up his jaw and mentally taking a picture of his kid mid laugh, he lets life move on.

* * *

"I have more respect than…." He legit could not finish that statement without laughing.

"Point made! I win." Hemlock laughed.

"Today kiddo, today you win. Tomorrow…. oh there will be blood!"

They cleaned up the dishes, cause hello, super fucking dad and mate and husband of the universe. After that father and son headed back into the basement to play more video games and he could impart even more awesome wisdom to his kid. In-between moments of wiping the floor with the morons who dare to challenge them.

"Dad, should I wait to get married to have sex?" Lock asked, and Cobra almost dropped the controller.

"You should wait Lock. Also, why the fuck are you in your pajamas?" Erik tensed up for a moment before turning his head to look at his very beautiful, wonderful, understanding, levelheaded, wifey.

Whatever the word was for beyond pissed, would describe Sunshine. Even if she looked hot in her tight little jeans and nerd girl t-shirt.

"Sunshine, we had a male bonding day. Father son time to let him hide from all the girls and their love eyes." He said, walking over to her and ready to either be kissed or pounced.

"So, you were fucking up our kid's education for bonding time?"

"Sunshine, one missed day in all his life isn't going to cripple him. He'll be fine, I promise but this…" He trailed off, hoping to give her enough breadcrumbs to follow it.

"Mom, it's Valentine's Day and I got scared cause and it's cool now, dad was fucking awesome."

"Hemlock Crowley Heartfilia you will watch your language." She said, and Erik wisely took two steps back, ready to throw himself in front of his kid to protect the futures.

"Sorry mom." He wisely said putting his hands up in surrender.

Sunshine pinched her forehead and the doorbell rang. Being wise and letting mom and kid handle it, he flew up the stairs to go answer it. Opening the door, he was ready to groan as he looked at the overly sweet and spunky, Lana. Meredy and Natsu's eldest girl was all the sugar and everything nice but fuck did it annoy him. She dressed like some kind of sweet little doll with puffy skirt and ankle socks and shiny shoes. Now she was holding a heart shaped tin with a bow and little card on it.

"I heard Hemlock is sick. I baked cookies for him today and missed seeing him!" She yelled all but jumping up and down.

"If he's sick, are cookies the best thing for him?" She turned bright red and stared at the ground, Erik might have felt a little bad for this. "It's cool La-La Land, I'll let him know."

"Great! Make sure he gets the invite. I hope he'll be my Valentine for the dance Saturday." She said and before Erik could nod she turned and skipped away. He was pretty certain like little hearts and rainbows were following her.

He shook his head and closed the door. Hemlock was going to need ot have a long conversation about how to politely, very fucking important word, to break a girl's heart.

"Who was that baby?" Sunshine asked, and his world was perfect again because she was back to being all sweet and her soul in relaxed mode. Hell yeah, Enya music for days.

"La-La Land. She made cookies and wanted to ask our kid to the dance." Cobra shrugged and handed her the tin.

"She's so sweet!" Erik cringed, and Sunshine nibbled her lip. "He doesn't like her like that does he?"

"Mom! I'm right here." Hemlock said as he took the cookies out of her hands.

"Well, Lock…" The bell rang again, and Lock ran around the corner.

Erik answered the door, this time it was Sammy, Cana and Mira's adopted girl. She took in a sniff of the air and smiled. "Hello, Mr. Heartfilia. Could you give Hemlock this invite and my best wishes to get better?"

Sammy was blind as a bat, but she was one of the better girls around Fairy Tail. Cana and Mira were like goddamn saints when they adopted her but with those two you would have zero idea she wasn't theirs. Samsonite had white hair and tan skin, fuck she almost looked like both of them.

"Samsonite, you don't seem like yourself." He said, noticing her slump her shoulders. "It's your demon mom isn't it?"

"Yeah, I like Lock as a friend and mom doesn't get the idea that boys and girls and relationships just aren't interesting." She shrugged, and Lucy pulled open the door a little wider.

"Hi Sam. We'll let Lock know. Tell your mom to relax and I'll see her tomorrow for yoga." Sunshine said with a grin.

"Mrs. Heartfilia, I like the fact I can feel you smile when you talk. I'll let mom know. If Lock wants to go to spike the punch bowl, no awkwardness to hang out." Samsonite said as she extended her walking cane and headed down the front path.

"Damn, that was Sammy?" Lock said finally peaking his head around the corner.

"Yeah, she invited you to the dance if you want to go spike the punch bowl." Cobra said with a massive grin because that would be funny as fuck.

"She's not the one either is she, Lock?"

"No, Sammy is like the sister you two refused to give me." He said, and Cobra was pretty proud of the sarcasm. Sunshine stepped forward when that fucking doorbell went off again.

He opened the door and wanted to beat his head into it. "Hi Mr. Heartfilia." The red head covered in chain mail bowed deeply, "I hope to not disturb but I have an important missive."

"Hi Ur, Lock is pretty sick." Sunshine to the motherfucking rescue. Out of all the kids Urethra was up there on the list of obnoxiousness. Then again, she was just like her mom, kid would have been better if she took after her dad, but fuck no. Ask him fucking later why and how Gray hooked up with Erza, but fuck it was better than her and Jellal. Also helped if Jellal was even into relationships, guy was asexual.

"That is fine. Here, I have this invite for him. I expect a response within two days." She bowed again before turning to leave.

Sunshine sighed and pinched her forehead. "It's going to be like this all day and I'm guessing Ur wasn't the right one either."

"Hey, how about dinner?" Erik asked hoping to switch gears, mostly because he wanted to leave Sunshine guessing.

"Alright, I picked up some ribeye on the way home." Sunshine said and for that he grabbed her cute little face and kissed her senseless. Steak was like magic around here, especially with the poison blend she came up with for it. Oh man his wife had poison cooking down to a science.

So far everything was going good as they finished up dinner, no more doorbells and interruptions. As they were cleaning dishes the doorbell rang again. "Lock, your turn to turn away the girly." What he didn't say was that he knew it was Ava and holy shit did he want to see just how weird his kid was.

Putting his finger against Sunshine's lips he shook his head and they crept over to peek around the corner. Yep, standing on the doorstep holding a notebook and a plant, which by smell was the most fucking amazing hemlock EVER. Like what the fuck is that awesome?

"Hi Ava." Lock said, and Cobra grinned at how little Lock's voice sounded. Sunshine pulled on his arm and grinned.

"Lock, I brought you the organic chemistry notes and homework. I don't get the holiday today but traditionally it involves plants. I am giving this to you for the day tradition instead of your birthday. I genetically modified it to have triple the poison content of normal…"

Cobra and Sunshine's mouth both fell open as Lock moved forward, put his arm around the green haired girl and kissed her. While they were trying to hold in their excitement, Lock walked up to them. He was wearing black lipstick and a big fucking grin.

"Well, got a date for the dance." He said and fuck yeah Cobra high fived his fucking amazing kid!

* * *

As Sunshine started fawning over how handsome Lock is going to be Cobra smiles at you. "Hell yeah, kid scored his first date. So proud of him. Also let's be honest…. Best. Fucking. Dad. Ever!" Cobra grins as he looks over at his mate and kid laughing.

* * *

Yes, Cobra is a pretty amazing dad.

Thank you all for being awesome and enjoying CoLu week with me.


	6. 2018: Pyramid

**_2018: Pyramid 13 years before Principal's Office_**

* * *

Cobra was sitting back at the kitchen table watching his son color. Hemlock was a scrawny little guy but that's okay, cause one day he was certain the kid would be taller than Sunshine. Though he'd be pissed if Lock was taller than him because it would make the dad stare down difficult. Currently they were in their little apartment while trying to save up for a house. Sunshine wasn't kidding as Lock grew they needed more space for him.

Especially a back yard and bigger room, right now the kid was sleeping in what looked like a broom closet, it was that tiny. Still better than a prison cell but Cobra had like a million years before someone went and told Hemlock that his dad used to be like a fucked up bad guy. That was a conversation he didn't want to have.

Right now he was pretty content with his energy drink as he watched his kid try to keep the crayon marks on the paper. Sunshine was making lunch and holy fuck did it smell amazing.

"Pymid!" Lock yelled as he waved the crayon drawing in front of Erik. He had some kind of green and brown blobs, a yellow kind of circle thing and a bunch of brown triangles. Least this time he didn't eat the crayons. Rainbow waxy vomit was not cool.

"Triangles." He said as Sunshine came over with lunch.

"Mama! Pymid." Hemlock shouted as he bounced in front of Lucy.

"Okay, Lock let's see. You hungry?" She asked and Erik peak over at the food. His mate made some badass looking burgers.

"Hungy." Mini beast said as he put down the drawing and jumped into Cobra's lap.

"Hungry. Hun-gree." He corrected, Cobra was really trying to be like a good dad. Correcting the fucked-up way his kid spoke was part of that. Ask him like five years ago if he'd have a sexy crazy mate and awesome mini-beast and he would have been like "da fuq you talkin about Willis?" Now, he couldn't picture anything else in his life.

"Hungry!" He high fived the little beastie.

Everyone got their food, to which Hemlock already began to complain and by complain he means throwing the fries at him. More and more they were noticing that Hemlock just didn't seem to like food and that bothered them. The kid was still okay but getting him to eat was getting to be a nightmare.

"Hemlock, you need to eat." Sunshine said her voice still bright and cheery. Cobra knew if the kid threw one more fry at her she was going to lose it. His mate was an amazing cook and she always had a way of infusing the best kinds of poisons into his foods. Erik ate well, and he liked that.

Though don't get him wrong, Cobra could also cook but Sunshine was epically better at it. All and all Cobra was a much more domesticated guy than he let on because the last shit he needed was for people to think he was all pansy ass or some shit. Nope, he cleaned and cooked (complete with amazing swearing tirades) and Sunshine loved him even more for it. It also made home life a lot easier to share these kinds of things and he liked a chill home life. So spending a few hours each week helping out kept his mate's soul in chill mode.

Now all he needed to do was figure out how to record that chill mode music and they'd be fucking rich!

* * *

Everything slows down as birds chirp the sun gets a little brighter and things look like some kind of bullshit on Lifetime.

"Hey reader! Can you believe this? This is my motherfucking life. Awesome mate, weird ass kid, but I'm still a badass. Don't worry about that. You cannot stop me from being the coolest fucking dad at toddler playdates. Welcome to day four!"

* * *

"You should take on another mission soon." Sunshine said, and he knew she was trying to distract herself from evil offspring. They were both S-Class mages so the rewards were so much better but the jobs were few and far between. Mostly cause Natsu kept stealing most of them. The only way to find one now was if Meredy forced him to slow down or Erik poisoned his ass on the way into the guild. He got it though, Natsu and Meredy already had three kids and were planning more. For as expensive as Lock could be, having more would be a shit show.

"No, Sunshine you need a fucking break." She did, holy fuck, it'd been like a year since her last one. Sunshine barely ever took off and enjoyed some adventure. Slowly he was watching her go like fucking stir crazy. That and he might of wanted some high quality messed up time with mini-beast. By high-quality he means letting the kid get into all the dirt and other things Sunshine didn't allow.

"Erik, language." She said her eye twitching a bit. Sunshine was like super fucking mom. Watch the language, keep the kid clean, baby proof everything, organize play dates, be on time for doctor appointments, set up the early schooling and all that shit. Erik just thought the kid needed to be free and not die. Different parenting styles but that was cool. The only real rules were to never fight or fuck in front of the kid. That second one was difficult as Lock had a brilliant strategy for waking up right before sex was going to happen.

"Fu-fu-fuc…" Cobra quickly covered Hemlock's mouth and tried to grin at his mate. The sexy kind of grin, the one that said she loves him too much to hurt him.

Well, permanently.

Sunshine glared at him, "Lock is learning new words around daddy? This is why I don't leave you two alone. I'll come back, and he'll sound exactly like you and then the daycare will be upset."

"Kid's got some colorful vocab and that's good. Besides toddler camp is lame. He's like smarter than most of them." Which was true, according to the day camp people Lock was already in the range of most kindergarteners. Then again Sunshine is so stupidly smart it was scary.

Finding out your mate has two PhDs in some space sciency shit was massively fucked up. Then again it worked to their advantage and when Sunshine couldn't work cause being pregnant she could still make money. Erik had no idea what the fuck a research grant was until she had like six million jewels. That was short lived as he also found out that 99% of it went to actually funding the research. Whatever the fuck it was but it involved some kind of space wavey things.

She was so happy to be out and about doing lectures (which he kind of slept through when he attended), playing with some kind of Colliding machine that could do horrible things with black holes or something if it went wrong and leading a summer camp for other kids who liked stars. Erik thought she should give up being a mage and spend more time doing this kind of stuff, but Sunshine refused.

He got it, after everything in her life, she just wanted to be a mage and have fun and do wickedly awesome things. Cobra was the same way he liked poisoning fuckers and having adventures, he liked being outside and being free.

They compromised and would take turns doing missions. Neither wanted to run the chance of both of them dying and then Lock would be without all the colorful language daddy could teach him. Nope if anything Hemlock would wind up with Fire Fucker and Meredy (hey, he liked her enough to not give her a snarky nickname) or Demon Chica and Lush Queen. Icicle Slut and Hammerdina were not allowed, fuck that woman was too uptight and their kid...hell no.

Natsu was kind of cool around all the kids and when he settled the fuck down he was an interesting guy and Meredy was just as much super mom as Sunshine. Mira made awesome cookies and Cana knew how to get the kids to play together nicely (helped that their daughter Sammy was Lock's best friend). Though he bet dollars to cyanide donuts that when the kids became teenagers, Cana was going to teach them the art of the house party.

If you didn't figure it out. All of Sunshine's closest besties are parents, it helped keep Lock socialized. That's right bitches, there's this weird fucking thing that happens where if one chick is knocked up they all are. The kids were all born or adopted right within a few months of each other. Erik already had his favorites picked out and the ones he'd poison later cataloged.

So their original compromise on switching who would take mission, didn't last long when she came back home and daddy may of let Lock repaint the walls in really awesome washable paints. Kid was creative as hell and why the hell wouldn't he let mini-beast play and do all kinds of things? That and it made parenting so much easier, happy kid causing mischief equals relaxed daddy. It's not like he didn't enjoy the cleaning supplies, little for cleaning, little for drinking, etc. Bleach, ice and fresh mint equaled awesome mojito.

"Oh god, Erik!" Sunshine screeched as Cobra looked down. Hemlock had stolen his burger and ran to the other side of the dining room.

"Shit, mini-beast no!" He tried to take away his cyanide burger from the kid but then he noticed something. Lock was eating.

He was devouring that burger with a smile on his face.

Sunshine jumped out of her chair and he moved to grab her. "What the heck, Erik! Our kid is eating poison."

"Yeah, he's eating." He waited, counted till ten for his mate to figure it out and then she jumped on him. Sure she's smart as hell but sometimes, her observation skills kind of sucked. This is why she's usually kidnapped and do not get him started on that shit.

"He's eating!" Her soul went all fucking happy mode and he liked that. They watched as the kid practically inhaled the burger. It was a disaster of food bits all over the place and ketchup smeared all over his face. You'd think the kid just got done axe murdering someone.

"More. Mama more." Lock said as he wiped the ketchup off his face with his hand.

"Go figure he'd be just like daddy." Sunshine said still smiling like crazy.

"Yep, cause daddy is awesome." He grinned and fuck yeah, poison mini-beast!

Sunshine took her fine ass back into the kitchen and back out with another plate of food for mini-beast and another burger for him. Quietly they ate as Hemlock made a freaking disaster out of himself. After a few minutes and in perfect unison father and son let out a loud ass burp. He totally fit bumped his kid.

After washing up the kid and settling back down Lock showed mommy the blobby picture of colors. Erik didn't quite get it but Sunshine knew how to interrupt kid art and messed up words. Did he mention that Sunshine was super mom?

"Pymid. Sun. Trees." He said.

"Pyramid. Pier-ra-mid." She repeated back to him and Cobra slapped his forehead. That's what the fuck he was trying to draw. A picture from one of mommy's travel books.

"Py-ra-mid." Lock repeated as Sunshine hugged him.

"Okay now pyramids are a different geometric construct…" She started speaking like some kind of weird language, but Cobra listened, he learned a lot from her. It's not like he had a decent education growing up. So as Lock learned so did daddy.

He watched as his mate and kid each held a crayon and she went through adding more lines and shit to the triangles. After a few minutes the picture looked more like pyramids in the sun. Cobra knew that picture was going into the Hemlock scrapbook.

* * *

He looks over at you while Sunshine and Lock added his name to the bottom of the picture. Erik knows damn well you are sitting there asking what the fuck about the scrapbook. "Do not fucking judge this shit. Lock is the only kid we are going to have. Also that glue they use for this scrapbooking thing is tasty on crackers. So yeah, I do that scrapbooking thingy. One day I'll show you, it's almost as cool as the organ art I did in Thorn in his Side."

Erik feeling pretty satisfied that he told everyone off with a grin because he still loves you all; let's the scene finish playing out.

* * *

"See, purty." Lock waved the improved picture in front of him.

"Pretty, yes Lock it's pretty." He agreed with his kid's art and watched as Lock let out a massive yawn.

"Nap time?" He asked as mini-beast nodded. Within like zero point two seconds Lock was dead asleep in his arms, which gave him the best idea ever.

"Sunshine, kid is asleep." He said waggling his brows.

"Yes, he is baby. I'll go get the whipped cream." She said as she stood up and kissed his cheek. She went into the kitchen to clean up a bit while he took Lock into his bedroom. Laying the mini beast in bed he pulled up the blanket and delighted when Lock let out a snore (totally gets that from mom) and hugged his purple snake plushie (take a wild fucking guess who gave that to him).

Quietly shutting the door Erik heads over to their bedroom and like magic, Sunshine is waiting for him. Naked. Fuck yeah he had the best motherfucking life.

* * *

_Yeah, domestic Cobra is all the fun. Seriously don't ask about the scrapbooking, that just came out of no where._

_Oh don't worry about sexy CoLu time...the smut will happen (on another site, cause ToS), just not when the kid is around, because interruptions ruin the lovefest._

_**Review. Fav. Follow!**_

_Hugs, love and insanity to everyone here so far. How's your brain cells holding up?_


	7. 2018: Delirious

**2018: Delirious – 10 years after Principal's Office**

* * *

Fairy Tail is owned by Hiro Mashima, not MadSoullessQueen. Just wanted to clear that up ;p

* * *

"Yo, welcome to day five! This one is going to be a bit different. Mini-beast is going to take the reins on this one. Say hi kid." Cobra grins as he put his arm around his tuxedo wearing kid.

"Wow, dad this fourth wall thing is cool. I mean look at all the hawt hawt people reading this shit. How you doing?" Lock says with the same kind of smile his dad has when trying to melt panties. Well, successfully melting panties.

"Alright, kid we gotta let author babe make her magic now, you ready for this?" He asks, a bit on the nervous side. I mean letting Lock have some fourth wall wrecking power was like watching him learn to ride a bike all over again. Only this time Lock didn't have sixteen layers of padding and a triple thick helmet.

"Fuck yeah! Okay peoples, get comfy and ready to laugh. Today I make dad all proud." Lock said with a wink. Yes, this time you don't have to try and figure out if it's a wink or blink cause the kid has two eyes.

Letting the world slip into its story, father and son take a bow.

* * *

Lock was in the middle of pacing and nibbling his lip, exactly how mom does it. His dad was sitting off to the side cracking jokes with his groomsmen and best maid. Everyone looked so freaking relaxed and Lock was confused as fuck. Then again, they weren't the ones getting ready to sign over their life to only person.

Actually, he was really certain he was ready until this moment. Ten minutes to go and then they would have to take their positions.

Ten minutes.

It's not like Lock could run away, hell no. Nope they were having the wedding in a place called Mechanis. It was this trippy kind of steampunk plane that his future batshit crazy mother-in-law called home. It was pretty cool, and he liked visiting here with Ava for holidays and so on.

Out of everyone he could wind up with, Ava was perfect and god when his hormones first kicked in she was the object of all of them. Not just some, but every last hormone in his body. Like his dad said your heart and your dick pick up on a special kind of vibe and if the girl goes for it, you are all set.

She did, after their first date it was all game over. He was completely in love with her and now the two high school sweethearts were ready to be lifetime sweethearts. Possibly more than one lifetime, apparently Ava is pretty much ageless but not immortal.

Okay so he didn't quite understand how that worked but maybe he'd figure it out. Least Lock hoped so because it wouldn't be fair for him to get old and die on her. Fuck this was such a sad thing to think of and with now eight fucking minutes to go.

"You alright?" Lock looked up and into the same pale eyes Ava had. Merlin had a soft smile on her face and he could just feel her concern for him. Yeah crazy or not, her heart was almost as big as mom's and he really did love her.

"Nervous as fuck, mam."

"Pish, mam makes me sound old…" Merlin pursed her lips, "bloody hell, that's right I am old. Now dun go reminding your second mom of her age." She said with a grin.

Merlin was something like 550 years old, give or take a decade but she didn't look anything older than mid-twenties. Then again, it helps to be practically a magical goddess, but do not ever call her that. She hates the title…. unless her husband is screaming it. Which that is traumatic spending time with the future in-laws and finding out that Freed is just as loud as his mom.

Hemlock spent a lot of time in therapy between both sets of parents. Especially his own, god the school closet incident after his mom got done screaming at his principal still gave him nightmares. The blackmail picture did work, and he got the car he wanted. Well close to it, same make and model but different year. Which he understood, especially after his first driving accident.

Not his fault. No some moron T-Boned him at an intersection and to say he was pissed was an understatement. He lightly, key fucking word, poisoned that fucker. The only consolation was the fact that Ava was not in the car, otherwise dude would have been beyond dead for hurting her.

"Sorry. I'm just freaked right the fuck out. I mean what if Ava goes running away? What if I forget the vows? Oh man, where's the ring?" Lock was getting fidgety before he felt a tap to his forehead. Instantly the world chilled out and he gave Merlin a nice calming smile.

"Shit Crazy Lady, you didn't have to drug his ass." Dad said with an amused grin on his face. His most awesome dad had combed his hair for today and looked pretty on point in his suit. This had to be only the second time in his life he had seen his dad wear one. It was a dark purple three-piece silk suit with light pin stripes, coat tails and a custom green tie with a chemical symbol pattern on it (hand drawn by yours truly). Actually, dad looked kind of like the Joker and now that it clicked in his head, Lock internally high fived the old man for his light trolling at their wedding color palette.

"You did it with Lucy." She pointed out and yeah Lock had heard the story about his parents. Figures he'd be slightly high on something to leave him just a bit delirious.

"Touché Crazy Lady." They fist bumped and Lock could only roll his eyes. Figures they would bring all the trouble to this day. Then again at least he wasn't dealing with….

"Hemlock! You look perfec…." His mom shook his shoulders, "Erik Heartfilia did you poison our kid?"

"Nope, blame Merlin." Dad said, and Lock knew he was relieved to not be on mom's bad side. Instead mom glared at Merlin and she laughed.

"Oi, simple calming charm. Gave one to Ava too, is alright Lucy." She said as she flipped over her forearm and looked at the clocks. Everyone in Ava's family had these messed up working clock tattoos. According to his sweetheart it allowed them to keep track of planar time differences and worked as calendars for events and things. Merlin offered to talk to Chronos (yes, the actual god of time) to get him outfitted. Jury was still out on that one.

Then again Lock wasn't a very big fan of tattoos, but he appreciated the ones all over Ava's body. She had like stories written in runes down her back. There might also be his name somewhere on her body but fuck if he was telling anyone where it was hidden.

His mom hugged him and fuck she looked so happy and nervous and little tears were pooling in her eyes. She really pulled out all the stops on this day, to a Celestial Mage this was it, a solemn promise or forever. Lock didn't have her magic nor issues about breaking promises but even without it; he hated the concept. Breaking promises was like breaking hearts as his mom said once and he never wanted to break the hearts of his family.

Mom and Merlin were both wearing lavender dresses, slightly different…

Fuck that.

Two completely different styles. Mom dressed feminine, simple flowing satin halter dress in silk that was modest. Totally different than the shit she used to wear when she was younger. Her dresses now covered her ass, which was good.

Merlin was in a light purple leather and silk outfit that matched the style here so a kind of neo-Victorian bustle skirt and corset. The brass mini top hat with sprigs of foxglove and hemlock was pretty original. Yet they both looked great, day and night and he could feel their love for him easily enough. Well mom more than anyone.

Except dad.

Cause dad is the most awesome fucking dad in the history of dads.

"Hey Locksmith, you ready?" Sammy asked as she took his hand. Being the awesome best fucking friend ever Sam was all about the bachelor party and planning this whole thing. After college she went on to be a highly rated party planner and her mom, Cana, was her silent partner. Despite her being blind as a bat you could not tell with the way she picked everything out.

So, their wedding was done in pale lavenders and sharp deep green accents. The flowers were mixes of flowering poison plants and roses, Ava had grown many of them herself. His future wife had a strange kind of life magic that allowed her to easily modify and talk to any living organism (which is why she's slightly crazy, talking to infectious viruses is awkward) and because of it she went into bio-engineering.

* * *

Hemlock takes a moment to look around Sammy's head at you. "Hey, one favor people, don't judge her, bio-engineering is an important thing and if my soon to be wife's profession bothers you…keep it to yourself."

He resists the urge to run his hand through his styled hair. "Sorry, nervous and honestly she was protested once and viciously attacked for doing her job. Dad and Freed had a field day with that one. I still don't want details."

Snapping his fingers, he gets off his fucking soapbox and lets the wedding day resume.

* * *

As his best maid she wore a tuxedo with a long skirt instead of trousers. The sharp green bow tie on her was like fucking magic. Sammy with her tan skin and white hair could pull off just about any color and look awesome. He was honored that she pulled out the three thousand Jewel sunglasses for this event. Lock never understood why she did it, after all his soon to be wife and mother-in-law looked blind if you did a half glance at them. Then he remembered the first time someone laughed at Sammy's eyes and knew that's why she did it.

Sammy sniffed the air, "you stink like nervousness. Knock it off Locksmith, you don't have to see to know just how much you two love each other." Like many people who lose one sense the others fight to compensate. Sammy had a nose almost as good as any dragon slayers and her hearing was pretty fucking amazing.

He hugged his best friend, "thanks Sammy."

"Yo, Samsonite. We should get this moving." Dad said with a grin on his face as he took mom's hand. Mom reach forward and pinched his cheek, Lock groaned.

Hemlock took a deep breath and still a bit on the calm almost delirious side of life, he took his friend's arm and walked to the end of the aisle. It was a small wedding inside of an old church, stain glass windows added a techno-color vibe to the place. The pews were decorated with fake flowers as they didn't want anyone to get accidentally poisoned. Accidental is key here.

Laxus was waiting for him, as guild master it was up to him to perform the wedding and the old guy looked thrilled to do it. Out of all the second generation Fairy Tail kids, Lock was the first to marry. He respected the guy, even after knowing that he had issues with his parents being together. But that's the past and he is a pretty cool guy.

He stood at the end of the aisle next to Sammy and held his breath. Her being like best friend ever, held his hand and squeezed it as she slowly counted for him. His other groomsmen were just a bundle of smiles as they waited.

Iggy was Natsu's oldest boy and pretty badass pyromancer prankster with bright pink hair and a simplistic POV like his dad. Gideon was Ava's younger brother and very strange guy but, in a heartbeat, he'd plane shift your ass out of a cop car (no, you do not get that fucking story). Last but not least was Loke, that's right mom's most loyal spirit. The guy was really Lock's secondary godfather and he wanted to honor his mom and his friendship today.

That and Loke as babysitter when growing up was all the wicked fun. He learned how to be a better flirt and romance Ava from the lion spirit and could confide in him things that made him blush around his parents. Like Ava's love of handcuffs…

Woah, TMI people.

The music started as Ur picked up her flute and started playing. Once she got through the phase of wanting to be like her mom, Ur turned out to be pretty alright. She mellowed out like her dad and took to music instead fighting. She's now first chair flute for the Fiore Royal Symphony.

The first people down the aisle was mom and dad, after all these years they looked so much in love. It was randomly like looking at two teenagers. Fuck he wanted to be married to someone for almost thirty years and look that fucking impressive. Mom blew him a kiss and Lock blushed.

Lana followed behind them, yeah, he broke her heart and crushed her dreams but they still remained friends. Heck once she got over her jealousy her and Ava just clicked. The bridesmaids were all in green vintage styles dresses, complete with victory rolls in their hair. It was kind of crazy, but Lock went with it, Ava liked to change her style every few years. Now she was into all thing modern retro pinup (er, something like that.)

Ruby, Rogue and Gajeel's adopted daughter was next. Lock smiled as he noticed that she changed her piercings to light purple stones instead of the dark iron. Ava met her in college while she was forced to take an art class. They worked together and became great friends, which Lock really appreciated.

Ever the weird one and who once tried to destroy all magic, Mard Geer followed Ruby as a bridesman. The guy was King of the Underworld and Merlin's best friend. His parents were not happy with that one but luckily mom is insanely forgiving, and dad found a snark challenger to hang with. He was also Ava's godfather and once you got used to the guy's coffee addiction he wasn't so bad.

Last was Irdria, one of Merlin's adopted kids before her Freed went into baby making mode and a Seraphim from Kingdom. The red and silver wings on her, you'd think would be out of place, but they just worked. Hemlock and she enjoyed many nights of watching MMA fights together. She was also really forgiving, and the one-time Lock royally fucked up she helped put them back together.

Lock took in a deep breath as the music changed. Sammy crushed his hand and he smiled. Closing his eyes for a moment he sucked in the courage to look at his soon to be wife.

Ava stood between her parents, describing those two is like symphonic metal. Merlin in her corset and wild tattoos and Freed in his very nicely tailored suit looking as regal as ever. First time he really met his future in-laws, was at an Epica concert and holy shit was that fun. Since then he associated the mismatched but well-suited pair with that genre of music.

Lock swallowed hard, Ava was absolutely mesmerizing to look at. Her wedding dress was a light violet cap sleeved swing dress. The bodice fit perfected for Ava's svelte figure with a slight sweetheart neckline that showed just a hint of skin. Below the bodice, the dress flared out into a bell-shaped knee-length skirt. He could see just the hints of dark green tulle peeking out under the hem of her skirt. Her green hair was down and instead of a normal veil she wore one of those vintage hats with a little bit of lace in front.

* * *

Everything stops and Lock struggles to catch his breath while looking at you. "Fuck, she's just soooooo…" Lock let's out a sigh as his nerves settle down.

"Thank you, reader, this stays between us. No one needs to know how freaked out I am, despite the little calming charm I was hit with."

Taking in a deep breath Lock waves his hand (for no reason, making his dad groan at fourth wall fail) and the wedding resumes.

* * *

Each step Ava made brought them closer together, closer to the start of the ceremony and closer to the start of their life together as a married couple. This was so surreal, it was amazing and as Freed put her hand into his Lock breathed deep and noticed something.

Ava smiled at him, "Ode to Cyanide, thought you'd like it." Holy fuck did he like that perfume, leave it to the mad scientist to figure out how to perfectly replicate poison smells without the death involved.

Ur stopped playing and the ceremony began, yet Lock could barely hear any of it. His head was so messed up with being deliriously happy and he was completely lost into her eyes. Along the way he said some vows and she said them too, her voice working its magic around his heart. Eventually he started paying attention but that was after Ava squeezed his hands and gave him a "WTF" look.

"Do you Hemlock Crowley Heartfilia take Ava Houdini Justine as your wife? To have and to hold, to cherish and honor, until death do you part?" Laxus asked and Lock at first gave him a jerky nod before finally squeaking out a yes. He heard the chuckles of people around him at his nervousness, but he didn't care. They weren't up here getting hitched to the most perfect woman in history (after mom of course).

"By the power vested in me as your guild leader I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride." Hemlock wasted no time in wrapping Ava up in his arms and kissing her till he ran out fo breath. The crowd cheered with wolf whistles and loud whoops and cat calls.

He held her hand as they walked down the aisle, rice being thrown at them as pictures were taken. His dad gave him a thumbs up and Lock grinned.

* * *

Cobra watches his kid and new daughter-in-law walk by before acknowledging you. "Well, there you go, kid is married, he got to try and break the fourth wall a little and all is good. This day was pretty special and like mother, like son, they both spent their wedding slightly drugged up."

Taking his Sunshine in his arms, he follows after the newly married couple before looking back over his shoulder. "Review, fave and follow because fucking wedding of awesome!"


	8. 2018: Staff

_**2018: Staff – 12 years before Principal's Office**_

* * *

_Skipped over Pilot because that one has content not allowed, sorry peeps!_

* * *

"Say that one more time Erik." Lucy said as she pinched her forehead. She had just returned home after a weeklong mission dealing with a nest of Vulcans. During that time frame she was kidnapped, tossed into a pile of rotten meat and bones, laughed at, singed, partially frozen and scared shitless. Yet, they won and collected a nice sized reward to bring home.

Despite the fact that she was bruised, cut and tired, Lucy enjoyed herself. It had been way too long since her last mission and the money was needed. They had bills and savings to attend to and Lock needed even more clothes thanks to his last growth spurt. Her and Erik were getting through it all and so the simple home comforts of relaxing and writing were everything for her. What she didn't want was ot come home and realize she was not sleeping tonight because of her loveable but pushover mate.

"I need you to recreate this." He held up a picture of Jafar and pointed at the cobra headed staff.

"Why am I doing this? You couldn't buy one?"

"Nope. They were out, and mini-beast really wanted to be Iago." He said with a grin on his face that cause her eyebrow to raise reflexively.

"You mean after you convinced him, so you had an excuse to be a villain for the Halloween party tomorrow and still be family appropriate?" She asked and when his eye widened and his jaw dropped for a split second, she had this won.

"Well…" He shrugged, gave a half mouth grin and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Uh huh. I think you should make it yourself. Some paint, a wooden rod from…" She paused when he held up a piece of paper printed with a DIY Jafar's Staff blog post. It was simple enough, shape some aluminum foil, cover and smooth with air dry clay, attach with a double ended dowl, wood glue and paint. Lucy knew damn well that for as easy as it looked, that head piece was going to be many hours of fidgeting and sculpting to get it to look decent.

Many times, since Lock was born did she fall into the DIY trap. All those cute little pins and neat baby ideas and how easy they all looked, resulted the same way. Bullshit, too much money and results did not meet expectations. Granted she now had the crafting war chest form hell and her skills had grown over the last couple years, this was still bullshit.

"So, you have everything here and why do you think am I doing this?" Lucy asked and as if the fucker in front of her waved some kind of summon kid magic wand, Lack plowed right into her leg.

"Mama make staff for daddy?" He asked, his eyes large and filled with hope. She did also notice he was already in his little parrot costume and glancing up at her hubby he just grinned. If she didn't love him like a psycho motherfucker, he'd be dead.

"I think daddy should." She said, flashing a quick grin at him.

"No, mama makes best things." Hemlock added and well, fuck. Cobra already had his kid on his side for it. Using his big eyes, chubby cheeks, baby Jedi mind powers and flattery; Lucy was losing this.

Kneeling down, Lucy was going to play this game. "Lock, when someone has an idea of something they want, they should do it themselves, not expect others to do your work for you."

Lock pursed his little lips and she looked up at her hubby. He opened his mouth and she hardened her face. Right now, she knew he was listening to her soul and if he was smart he would…

Ah, he gulped and took a step back. Her mate randomly was smart enough to figure shit out.

"Mama?"

"Yes, baby boy." Lucy cooed, ready to win this.

"Daddy is a moron, it'll look bad." Lucy's jaw dropped for a moment and she tried to stop herself. Tried as hard as she could with pursed lips and her cheeks puffing out. Yet, she failed and wound up laughing at Lock's wisdom. The kid was right on both cases, it would look horrible and yes, her mate was a moron.

"Mini-beast, you hurt daddy's feelings." Erik said but Lucy knew him, he was proud of Lock's trolling.

"Unkie Nasty said you don't hab feelungs."

"Un-cull Nat-sue," Lucy corrected though after this mission and the moment he spent covered in a mixture of mud and shit, he was nasty.

"Uncle Natsu." Lock repeated, and Lucy kissed his cheek.

"Daddy has feelings, you should say sorry for calling him a moron." She said, trying to still be the good parent. AKA the parent that corrects behavior like this instead of rewarding him for being a little shit.

"Sowwy daddy." He said looking down at the ground. Lucy watched as Erik picked up the little guy and hugged him tightly. Fuck that man was such a great dad and husband; when he wasn't springing big arts and crafts projects on her.

Her goals tonight was simple, come home, bathe, relax, snuggle, have sex, pass out. Now her night would be nothing more than quick shower, something mindless on Netflix and trying to not scream at stupid fucking crafting shit.

"I'm going to take a shower, Erik why don't you get Lock into bed." Lucy said, deciding to just resign to her fate.

"You're the best Sunshine. Love you." He said and then leaned over making comical kissy lips. Lucy giggled, shook her head and gave him a kiss. She kissed Lock's little cheeks, reminded Erik to get him out of his costume for bed and headed for the bathroom.

The shower was relaxing as hell, the hot water soothing out the aches and pains. Also, to finally have all that grime and sweat off her skin and hair was a blessing. She really did want that relaxing bath but if she didn't get that stupid staff made, Erik would have an incomplete costume and Lock would be disappointed.

Part of Lucy knew she should enjoy this, before she knew it Lock was going to not want to hang out with his parents. Before she knew it he was going to be in high school driving a car, getting a girlfriend, then graduation, college, marriage, grandkids and holy shit all of it before she could blink. She wanted to bang her head into the pink tiled shower wall but who the fuck has time for that? No, Lucy had a staff to make so that her family would have awesome Halloween family costumes to wear.

Seemed really fucking weird that Jafar would get Jasmine in the end, but hey her mate was once an evil asshat who kidnapped her. Crack ship or not, guess life imitates art. That really made Lucy giggle.

* * *

Lucy needed a chapter from her POV about the stupid stuff in her life. It's short but that's alright, I liked that last bit enough to where it felt satisfying to end it there, instead of going through the rest of the night.

Can you believe tomorrow is it? Last day and don't worry...the fourth wall shall be broken.

Love to everyone here so far and thanks for all the reviews, favs and follows.

**Don't forget to review, fav and follow!**


	9. 2018: Dance

_**2018: Dance – 18 years before Principal's Office**_

* * *

"Wait? What the fuck Blue Balls?" Cobra asked as they stood before a large set of doors. He could hear the loud voices, breaking furniture, laughter and random fire and ice insults. This felt like he was standing before an asylum where the inmates ran the show.

Was it happening, did Blue Balls have him committed?

Fuck, padded rooms, mushy peas, some lady who screams at pudding, art time and awesome straight jackets.

Maybe if he takes two steps back…

Jellal's hand shot out, faster than his enhanced senses could track and grabbed his shoulder. There were some pissing matches in life Erik wasn't a fan of getting into and arguing with Blue Balls was one of them. Dude was fucking strong ass mage, he could read a battle and figure out how to fuck shit up in a nanosecond. Cobra had a shit ton of respect for the guy and learned to turn himself around to be a better nicer human.

He raked a hand through his blue hair and settled his gaze on him. For a moment, Erik felt small. "It's your time. We've been pardoned and everyone else went home for family, but you need to make one."

"Man, you're like a brother, a pain in my ass, good old-fashioned brother. So, I gots family." He replied, without sarcasm for once. Yes, he can turn off the sarcasm mode.

I need him to be happy and find a better purpose in life. Following my path won't release him from the shackles of his old life. Blue Ball's soul could go in one of two directions, sage like wisdom and depressed as fuck. Though he got it, for the bullshit Erik and the Oración Seis had ever caused, Jellal had like sins far worse. Dude had a deep need to atone, it was all he had left in this world.

"I know, and you've been a good traveling companion as people moved on, but now you need to do the same. I spoke to Erza and she's waiting for you." Blue Balls said as his lips turned down slightly.

"I feel like I've been a brat and you're dropping me off at a Wayward Home for Fuck-ups or something." Cobra added, watching the doors and like expecting something to come flying through it. The noise in there had gotten louder and it sounded like everyone was busy trying to each other.

As he used his listening magic, the souls of the people in there, though overwhelming with filled with happiness. It was almost inhuman just how happy and loved these people felt. One sound in there really caught his attention.

It was a melody he'd heard before and one he would unpack when nights just sucked. The soul was a haunting little electronica sounding melody, with moments of slower beats complete with female soothing non-word vocals and random sharp beats breaking the pace of it. Cobra had tried to find something like it and he'd gotten close with a band or two but to replicate it was almost impossible.

That melody belonged to a celestial mage, so maybe it's the music of the universe or whatever. Fuck if he knew, it's not like the universe bothered to talk to him outside of smashing his face in.

Erik couldn't remember her name, but he'd tried to feed her to a clock once. Holy shit he liked her, she told him if he needed help to go fuck himself she'd be happy to break off his dick and do it for him. That was when he found out her soul had this heavy metal mode from hell. Now that was music to slaughter people to and he saved that one for when he is fighting.

Blue Balls shook him slightly and Erik came back into reality. "I thought so, it's her isn't it? The woman from the clock?"

"Da fuck you talkin about Willis?" Asked Cobra, trying to not give himself away and really fucking curious as to how the fuck the guy knew that.

"We once had a sleep conversation right after Macbeth left to return home to Minstrel. You were broken up about it and so one night I talked to your dragon, Veneno, for a while." Blue Balls pursed his lips and Erik's one pretty eye widened as he paled slightly. He had no recollection of this and that was scary. How long had he had sleep walking problems? Just how fucked up was that?

"I sleep walk?" It was a misconception that sleep walking only meant you walk around, nope people did crazy shit like cook full meals, drive SE vehicles, have sex and whatever strange shit.

"No, but your dragon lost its mind and needed someone to talk to who might actually listen to him. That was about two months ago." Blue Balls let out a breath and clutched for a moment at his cloak. He nodded towards a tree on a hill and Erik followed him.

He took a seat leaning up against the tree as Jellal sat beside him crossed legged. Did he mention that dude had this sagely thing going on? It was even complete with somewhat ripped up poor as fuck clothing that looked a bit looser now than it did a few months ago. It wasn't much but Erik knew with his mental health issues, guy had fits of depression, he hated listening to his soul during those times.

"So, what did Vinnie have to say?" Erik asked. He'd spoken to his dragon soul a few times, dude was alright despite getting a rotten deal in life. His own father turned against him and ripped out his soul, compressing it into a crystal. Then the fucker had the nerve to lose that lacrima and he was trapped under a rock for a couple hundred years till the Tower started being built. It's how Brain got a hold of it before shoving it into Erik's body.

"In there is your mate and he's hurting without her. Tell me Cobra is there a woman who you've met, you can't let go of? Maybe the sound of her soul or images of her face?" Blue Balls asked, and Erik swallowed hard. He wasn't ready for this conversation and he felt like his dragon betrayed him by letting this out. Vinnie squawked about her a couple times since the clock, but he could ignore the guy, even when he was all but wailing.

Cobra didn't deserve a mate or a family or a bomb ass girlfriend. Nope he got by on random hook-ups complete with, no strings, no feelings and it was all good. His physical needs met because he didn't need to find those feelings things and then have it all taken away. He lost his Cu, that was bad enough but to give into Veneno and go find that mate person; that was bad.

Dragons didn't live long after they lost their mate and with Erik's life and the universe's hatred of him, he'd be dead in like a week. He'd had enough pain and the best way around that was to do nothing that could cause it.

"Your silence says everything. Here let me fill in the gaps; blonde hair, brown eyes, pink Fairy Tail mark on her hand and easy to underestimate?" Blue Balls said.

Letting out a sharp breath from his nose, Erik grabbed a fist full of grass and pulled. He felt like an idiot, he really was uncomfortable talking about this. Jellal's pale hand grabbed a hold of his forearm and squeezed enough to get his attention.

"Her name is Lucy and she's in there, waiting for you." The poison slayer's one pretty eye looked up at Jellal. His soul was confirming everything he was saying and when the guy hit this certain voice tone, Erik learned to listen. He didn't have to agree with the guy but a few times in the last years of traveling he found out that not listening to Blue Balls was a very fucking bad idea.

"I tried to kill her."

Blue Balls chuckled low and smiled, "good thing you failed. Now look it's Valentine's Day and they are having a party. Erza told them we'd be here today, I cannot make her a liar."

"Are you joining too?" He asked.

"No, I still have more work to do and more lost souls to find. You guys just needed a chance to prove that you are better than your pasts, out there are other people who need the same chance."

"You'll stay for today?" Okay Erik kind of felt like a pleading kid, asking daddy to hold his hand during his first day of school or something like that. This was also new territory for him, he'd only ever known the people around him and now he'd have to surround himself with a group of strangers. Try to make that friends thingy magical ponies on LacrimaVision sing about.

"Of course, I'll be here for the first week to help you get settled." Blue Balls rose to standing and held his hand out, Erik nodded and took it. He let the guy lead the way back toward the guild hall of doom.

* * *

"If you fucking cry for me or something, reader, it's okay. I know I'm like pathetic and shit before I get my head out of my ass and get myself a family." He runs a hand through his hair. "Last day people and the most important day, the dance dare that started me being cool with Sunshine."

Now, there's that fucking trademark grin of his, which means the world resumes and he marches on.

* * *

Jellal pushed against one of the massive doors and it swung open soundlessly. As they stepped inside the noise stopped as people stared at them. The place was a warzone decorated with hearts and streamers of red and pink. On the bar was a freaking feast of cookies, cakes and a punch bowl that he bet dollars to cyanide donuts was spiked.

The red headed armor wearing Hammerdina walked towards them with a smile on her face. She hugged Jellal before glancing his way. Erik gave a quick nod before she extended a hand and him, being all polite and shit shook it.

"Everyone! Let's welcome Cobra and Jellal." She said her voice booming. The room went even more silent, but that lasted for a moment before this loud sonic boom of hellos went off. He clutched his head for a second against the sound wave. Fuck how the hell did the other slayers handle this shit.

A small old looking dude walked up to him with a stamp in his hand. "Fairy Tail is all about second chances, nice to let you have one, brat. What color and where?"

Erik looked at Blue Balls for a moment before the guy gave him a nod and a soft smile. "Mr. Yuk Green and on my shoulder." The poison slayer replied, shrugging down his jacket and opening his shirt to show off his shoulder. The mark settled over his tan skin and that's when the cheers went to Super Saiyan Level 9000.

The old guy held out his hand, "I'm Makarov, call me Gramps, welcome home." He said with this impish like grin on his face. Erik shook his hand and holy fuck for a little guy he had some god awful power behind it. It was a bit of warning and he knew it, fuck up and be crushed.

A pink haired guy in a scarf with stupid toothy expression on his face came up next. Cobra recognized the guy, he liked setting things on fire and was another dragon slayer. Though much more powerful than him. "Natsu, welcome to Fairy Tail."

Cobra rubbed the back of his neck, "Cobra and errrr, thanks."

"Come on! Fight me!" He took a few steps back and settled into some kind of fighting stance. Erik gave Gramps a look of what the fuck and watched the old guy grin. He wasn't looking for a fight but from the sounds he heard on the way here, seemed like ti's what these people did. Though Cobra decided ot be nice and fight dirty because that soul he liked was getting louder. Looking around for a moment he saw her inch her way towards him and she was just as fuck me gorgeous as ever.

"Fair fights are for pussies," he mocked before spitting in dude's face. Liquid Dirty Tricks was his little concoction of all kinds of psychedelic inducing poisons. This was going to be all the fun!

Natsu wobbled for a moment before he fell on his ass and looked around with his eyes wide. "Wow…. colors." He said his voice a bit distant and eyes glassy as fuck. "Oh butterflies." He cooed before he got up and started chasing thing only he could see.

Everyone looked at him and he shrugged, "anyone else want to get high?" Jellal chuckled and clasped his shoulder for a moment. Erik just grinned like the crazy fucker he was.

"Um, how long is he going to trip balls for?" Short and busty asked him. For a moment Vinnie let out some kind of purr as they both listened to her wonky little melody.

"Dunno, you wanna take a hit too?" He asked cause it was polite.

She laughed before she held out her hand, "Lucy, you know the chick you thought would make an awesome clock battery." Erik, being polite and shit took it. Fuck her skin was soft but lightly calloused, which was fantastic, it meant hard work didn't faze her.

"Cobra but call me yours." He said being all suave and stepping closer to her and putting his arm around her shoulders. She shook her head, her golden hair all sparkly under the sunlight pouring in through the windows high up on the walls. Lucy was fucking gorgeous up close and holy shit did he decide that strawberries were the greatest fruit ever.

_Mate! Don't fuck this up moron. _Vinnie shouted into his head, sharing space with a pain in the ass dragon soul was a real brain blender.

_Fuck off Vinnie._

_Nope, getting tired of cheap hoes._

Ugh his dragon was being an asshat, which was fine he could play that game too. _You think about the idea that her ass is too fine for me?_

_You think about the idea that it isn't? That maybe you're a sexy beast she can't say no to? _Vinnie shot back with his usual zero fucks tone.

_I know I'm a sexy beast._

_Then go get you some!_

_Maybe._

The first thing he noticed was that she didn't shrug off his arm and the second was that she was smiling at him. Damn, she smiled like she was the fucking sun. A tightly compressed ray of sunshine was this chick. Oh yeah, Sunshine, perfect mother fucking name for her fine ass.

Natsu jumped up and grabbed some blue furred floating thing and ran off screaming about his precious. Sunshine laughed even harder before taking off and going after him. Cobra missed her already and maybe hitting dude with Liquid Dirty Tricks wasn't the best idea but shit, it was funny.

"They are best friends and members of my team. The half-naked black-haired guy pushing off the blue haired woman is Gray, he's also on our team." The red head said.

"Right." He said looking over the massive buffet of food. Behind the bar was this supermodel looking silver haired woman. In fact, he was certain she was a model because she looked way too familiar.

"Come on grab some food Cobra." She said with a wide ass smile and truth be told it did smell good but that's because it smelt like sugar. All the sugar. Heaping piles of sugar and Erik loved him some sugar.

* * *

At this moment, you can hear the song "Pour Some sugar on Me," playing. Also, the scene now looks like a strip club with Sunshine laid back on a chair before pulling a chain and getting her hot naked self, sugar coated. "Fuck yeah, cliché moment of naked awesome. This is how the brain works, people. Just smile nod and follow along."

Realizing that he should stop watching those hips move and let the story get to its fucking point, he drops the song and dance number.

* * *

"I have some cleaning chemicals and things, I assume you thrive from poisons and toxins." She said before extending her hand, "MiraJane, call me Mira."

Bring polite he shook it and holy fuck could he hear this choir of demons inside of her. Take over mage, he bet his worthless little life on it and damn did Demon Chica have some horse power to her. Mental note, do not fuck with this one, the smile is a lie.

"Bleach, ice, mint sprigs and a splash of Sprite."

"Sounds like a mojito. One second." She said before sauntering away.

Before he fucking knew it a drink of super amazeballs was in his hand and he'd actually talked to people. This was so fucked up, it's like they wanted him here. Didn't they remember the fact he was a bad guy? Maybe he really was in an asylum?

Enjoying his like sixth blejito (hey it's a new fucking word) he heard Sunshine's giggle come back. Seemed like LDT wore off of Natsu and he was laughing along with her. She walked over to the bar and grabbed a cookie.

"Lushy this is why you're fat. You eat cookies." The blue fur ball said, and he watched as she went pale, her eyes welled up and she started putting the cookie back. Okay that was not fucking cool, chick had a tiny waist and really fucking great curves but fat?

Cobra moved forward and gripped his hand around the things neck. He started to squeeze as Natsu glared at him. Fuck that kid, he'll drug his ass again. "I can make a venom that will dissolve your insides slowly and painfully. You'll beg for death and I can make that shit last for days with no cure. You ever fucking call her fat again and I will do it. With a smile." Erik said as the oxygen was vacated form the room. Crickets would sound like a heavy metal concert right now.

"He's just joking…" Natsu said with a grin.

"You think that shit is funny? It isn't. That's being a fucking bully and I know more about it than you do. I do it so much better than you can imagine. You let him talk to your best friend like that? You're an asshole. She ain't fat, not even close and if she wants a cookie, Sunshine gets a mother fucking cookie." Cobra let out a fucking growl to prove his point. He was damn serious. His reward was simple, she smiled at him and her soul music went to like happy fun unicorn rainbow shit.

Fire fucker went pale and gave him a jerky nod. The blue fur ball started turning purple but also nodded. He let up the tension around the winged thing's neck and it quickly flew into Sunshine's cleavage. It started crying and apologizing to her. His one pretty eye was met with her large mocha eyes and she mouthed a thank you to him.

That surprised the fuck out of him, did no one ever stand up for this chick? Were they that clueless into thinking that this body shaming shit was cool? He needed a microphone, soapbox and about three hours to let these assholes have it. That was before he poisoned them all with something to make them all shit till their assholes bled for days after.

The party went back to normal as Erik felt Jellal's hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at the guy and he was smiling. "Good work, now why don't you go dance with her?"

"I don't dance."

"No guy does, we just spin in a circle and sway a little. Now go ask her to dance." Blue Balls added, and Erik shook his head. "Double dog dare you to."

"Fuck, that's cheating." Erik cracked up and punched the guy, "I approve."

Cobra could never say no to dare, there was too much honor on the line for that shit. Fuck if anyone would call him a pansy for not taking the dare. Didn't matter what the fuck it was, even the time he ran naked through a town at midnight screaming the British are coming.

Now that the blue dead cat floating was out of her chest Erik walked up to her. He held out his hand and she took it.

* * *

"You author, let's have something good to dance to." He says sounding really happy.

"Yeah okay, requests?" The author's voice finally makes a fucking appearance outside of just the words on the page you are reading. No, she ain't describing it because, it's not important.

Cobra looks shocked and freaked out, "woah, you answered me?"

"It was bound to happen, you asshole. I mean you live in my head."

"Awesome, love you author babe, now how about something to dance to?" He says.

"Got ya covered, let's go with _Angel by Massive Attack_. You can sway easily to it." The almighty author and legit goddess of his world responds. "Love ya too."

Despite his fourth wall awesomeness, the author has this shit as a true fucking science. Scene changes a bit, things mellow out as Erik finds himself with Sunshine in his arms off to the side of the bar.

* * *

Erik approves of this, nice and slow and kind of trippy with fantastic fucking lyrics. Sunshine fits perfectly in his arms as her body presses against his. His head feels like it's ready to detach and go for a joy ride into the clouds.

The beat drops low as he does this like awesome Patrick fucking Swayze dip of Sunshine, actually showing off that he may have a little game with his dance steps. They move a bit as she Turns around and his hands go to her waist as she moves that fine ass. He grins like a mad fucker, because this is so crazy hot, it's fucking epic.

The song cycles between the melodies of soft and stronger, it kind of reminds him of her soul (btw. _The Glitch Mob, Drink the Sea_, is about the right pace for Lucy's normal soul). For 6 minutes and 19 seconds Erik's world is pretty fucking awesome. Now he gets why Vinnie was losing his dragon brain cell over her. Sunshine fit him, and his heart did that like Grinch trick where it grew a little.

After that dance, she gave him that fucking brilliant smile of hers. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, thank you." Erik said keeping that suave thing going.

"See you later?" She asked, a bit of hopefulness flashing in her eyes.

He cupped her cheek for a moment and loved how she hummed for a second. "Sunshine, get used to this fine ass. You'll be seeing it for the rest of your life."

"After one dance, this ain't a Disney fucking movie." She said, and he fist bumped her.

"Nope, it's a story posted on FanFiction for CoLu Week." He said with a grin and she shook her head before giggling at him.

"Are you always so random?" He knew she was confused as fuck, but it's alright.

"Yep, but don't worry you'll like it." He said and with that the end credits begin to roll.

* * *

_And with that, ends CoLu 2018...after this any safe prompts for 2019 will be added on but at least now you get the world this will be set in! _

_Also the idea of Vinnie (his dragon lacrima) being able to talk and respond came from Musicera, it was a really cool concept about dragon souls that she lets me borrow (with all credit, cause honestly it's not difficult to credit your damn inspiration)_

_**Review, follow, and fav!**_


	10. 2019: Thread

**Thread – 12 years before _Principal's Office_**

* * *

Lucy was out on extended mission, which meant Cobra was happily (loosely defined) playing single dad to the mini-beast. Now don't get the wrong idea, he's a fantastic dad, like best dad in the history of dad's but even he had a limit. As Lock grew up, he was developing the personality of hell beast, asshole, too adorable for words and just how fucking intelligent is this kid, all rolled into one amazing little guy.

If you would have asked him five years ago if he'd be living this life, oh you'd easily get the "idiotsayswhat?"

Currently Cobra was in the kitchen making some epic cyanide and nutmeg pancakes, waiting for Lock to ask him for help. Cause there is no way the kid was going to dress himself. Nope. Then again, as he flipped the pancake over, Cobra started to wonder if maybe his mini-beast was growing up too fast.

* * *

He watched the golden-brown pancake fluff up a bit more and slides it out of the pan and onto a plate before looking over his shoulder.

"Hey reader, 2019 CoLu Week and you get to start off with the wild fantasy of seeing my sexy ass all domesticated." He winks (or blinks, again, let's revisit this vernacular question when it comes to someone with one eye) at you. It takes a couple seconds and an awesome jump cut with a few bits of magical sparkles, so the scene changes.

He's now in a full butler get up, hair still wild, mischievous grin on his stupidly handsome face and wearing a custom black suit tailored to his wicked body. Every last detail, the perfect epitome of a Japanese manga demon butler, down to white gloves, as he holds out a pristine white bone china plate toped with the best-looking pancakes you have ever seen. There's even sparkles and roses around him, showing off how pretty he is in this get up.

"Heh, to quote some douche who thought he got my Sunshine to himself, I am simply one kick-ass butler." He listens for your chuckle, then blows you a kiss, and suddenly everything goes back to normal. Just him, in a tight t-shirt, jeans that hug his ass, in a gorgeous kitchen making breakfast for his kid.

"Alright, this one ain't going to be long, but welcome to day one Thread, where I get mini-beast all to myself." Cobra blows you a kiss and the story moves on.

* * *

It felt like literally yesterday that he was welcoming Lock into this world and now the kid has his own opinions, walks, runs, kicks, spits, and eats poison. It still boggled his mind, but it took away one panic bit of being a parent, he didn't have to lock up the household cleaners or poisons and sure as fuck didn't worry when the kid got into his treat canisters or was near him when he farted. Though the great fart a few weeks ago, knocked out Sunshine, but that was her fault, replace the meat with beans on enchilada night, what the hell was she thinking?

Cobra and Lock had fangs for a reason. Though how the hell that woman had a jaw that could practically unhinge was beyond him, not that he was complaining. She was also cool with snakes, but spiders… oh hell no, no one in this family dealt with the eight-legged freaks of nature. Well, except for when spiders ate bugs.

Oh yeah, both him and Sunshine had cleaning issues, he just didn't like bugs. Pesticides were okay but burned too much, they just didn't have the smoothness of other poisons. Though let Mira blend that into one of her "health shakes" to bring out the wilted taste in kale, and it was game on.

He set the plate on the table and looked at the copper and black clock on the wall, wondering just how long it takes to get dressed. It never took him long, his whole closet was t-shirts and jeans apart from like one suit, cause on occasion he still romanced his wife.

Cobra wasn't whipped, he was just in love with his life. No more looking over his shoulder, no more lonely nights, no more worried for Jewels and he had that fucked up thing called unconditional love. Sure, he wasn't perfect but fuck if his family didn't make him feel like he was. Most people just wouldn't understand how awesome it is to look around a warm little house and know that it is yours. That you are free, and you have a family that loves and supports you.

He realized the pancakes were getting too cool and microwaving them was not an option. Ever. Cobra ran a hand through his hair and walked up the stairs to go find his kid.

Cobra got up the stairs passing by a pile of photos and turned into the first room on the right. He froze in shock for a moment and tried to not laugh. He really tried. Like epic level of trying here folks, but holy fuck.

Lock was smiling and twirling around in front of the mirror as he marveled over his clothing. The kid still needed his hair brushed but they could handle that after breakfast. Instead of the usual t-shirt, hoodie, and jeans, the kid was wearing, his one pair of khaki dress pants, one of Cobra's "Fuck the system" t-shirts and a pair of Sunshine's high heeled sandals. He was a total wreck, a mix match of everything that was right in the family.

Lock looked over, "daddy! I'm pretty like you and mommy!"

Cobra grinned, digging deep into himself to not chuckle, but at the same time he was ready to tear up. Their kid was everything that was pure mother fucking 100% unadulterated awesome in this world. He knelt and opened his arms. "You got some badass threads there mini-beast."

Lock pouted, "mommy says that is a bad word."

He blinked or winked or…

* * *

The scene pauses and Cobra looks up, "you know what?"

"Ya tired of the bloody vernacular thing?" a voice calls back and he grins.

"Fuckin' right I am, thanks Merlin, also keep that glitter over Munchkin's head. He already got his ship week." He shrugs.

"Obviously, now go on, get wit the story, and use wink," Merlin's voice answers without moving away from the scene of Lock in his little clothes. This is because the author is too lazy to describe this hilarious scene of Mard, tied up, with Merlin sipping a glass of wine, while she floats a 50-gallon bucket of glitter over his head. Cause in author babe's head, Mard had to get restrained so the real fucking star of the show got his week. _Fuck you very much, Munchkin._

"Yep, we settled it. It'll be whatever the fuck I want. Wink, blink, whatever, you peeps know what we are getting at. I am ending this running gag, it's old." He chuckles and flashes another one of his oh-you-know-the-burn-unit-should-be-getting-a-call-soon, kind of grins. "Like not as old as author…."

There is a growl, it's dark and frightening worse than any other growl you may have ever heard. We are going for horror movie level growl. There's nothing like words in that sound but Cobra looks oddly a bit pale and there is a chance that Mard's bindings might have loosened up. This could be bad, his whole fucking ship week taken over by that demon. Hell, to the fucking no.

Cobra smiles, blows a kiss, "love you." The scene moves on.

* * *

"Right, well let's not tell mommy I said it, pancakes are getting cold."

Lock tried to run and in slow motion started falling face first as he tripped over Sunshine's shoes. Cobra rolled forward and grabbed his kid, holding him close he let the little guy land on top of him, instead of on the carpet. Last thing he needed was for the kid to get rug burn on his chin. Sunshine would kick his ass.

Being the opportunist, Cobra started tickling his son, and the kid let out a mad peal of laughter as he squirmed and kicked off the shoes. One of them managed to hit him square in the junk, because for whatever reason when you are a dad playing with your kids, they always manage to attack your dick. It's the weirdest fucking thing, but it's true, ask any dad.

He winced and sat up, taking a moment to hold Lock close and realizing that his kid was really growing up. That this little act of trying to find his own style and be even more independent was just another moment in life. Another moment that reminded Cobra that in a few more years, he was going to be in more parental pain than just a loose sandal to his nuts.

He kissed the top of Lock's head, "hey, how about your own shoes and let's eat."

Lock hugged him, "okay daddy, but you like my threads?" Mini-beast looked so hopeful, Cobra knew what that was like, just wanting someone to be proud of you. It was something he loved Sunshine for, she gave that to him, and he would happily make sure his kid got to feel that. Every. Damn. Time.

Cobra grinned, "hell yeah, you look good. Little classy. Little trashy. Big awesome." Mini-beast smiled, hopped out of his lap, dug through his drawer for a pair of poka dot socks before running out of the room, screaming about happy fun cyanide time.

He came up to his feet in a fluid movement of grace and smiled at the clothes scattered war zone. After he took Lock to school, he'd clean this up before Sunshine got home. This was Cobra's life and it was pretty wicked, if not bat shit insane.

* * *

Happy 2019 CoLu week! I figured since we are starting on Father's Day, it would be fun to do something with Cobra having a dad moment.

Oh, if you don't get the demon butler thing, on AO3 and Wattpad I did 2 Black Butler/Fairy Tail Crossovers, _Your Highness_ and _Feather Fall_. They both break the Guidelines for FFN so you won't find them here, which sucks, but sadly I can't do anything about that. Already had my stories deleted and account locked once, not going through it again, and not giving the _Cult of Unoriginal Narcissistic Trolls_ another "victory".

_**Review, fave and follow! **_


	11. 2019: Legal

**2019, Day 2: Legal**

**Legal disclaimer, I don't own Fairy Tail**

* * *

"To our kids!" Cana shouted as Lucy, Meredy, Mira and Erza all raised their shot glasses. The glasses clinked before everyone tipped them back and slammed them upside down on the table.

Lucy let out a breath, she couldn't believe that this day had come, well tomorrow technically. Hemlock was finally graduating high school and then he was leaving for University. Where the fuck did time go? She looked over at her friends, noticing little things about how they have all changed and no longer looked like the young bright-eyed wild mages they were when she first met them.

Cana and Mira had settled down a bit, Lucy knew that Cana didn't go party like she used to, and Mira wasn't always attached to the bar at the Guild. Erza started wearing normal clothes rather than her armor all the time and learned how to relax. Meredy became the gold standard in patience and virtue, after all she was mated to Natsu and they had a majorly full house. As for Lucy, she noticed things about herself, outside of her complaints about hips widening and some crows' feet around her eyes, she noticed that she was finally happy.

When she mated Cobra and he married her and they had Lock, everything she was missing filled in the spaces. The whole time she wasn't searching for power or to prove herself or something like that, she was looking for a family to call her own. The kind of family she had once, until her mom died and then thought she'd get again when her father apologized, but then life took him away from her too. Like all things, family changes and tomorrow Lock, along with her friends' kids would taking that first step towards their own life.

It was as a depressing as it was happy, but tonight, Lucy would try to focus on happy. On how not all change is bad and celebrate the end of one chapter so another could start. Also, once Lock was out of the house her and Cobra could enjoy more lazy naked Sundays.

_"Just where did the time go?"_ She thought to herself. One minute she's holding this tiny little life who is suckling on her breast, then she blinked, and he was walking. Another blink and he's at his first day of school. A deep sigh later and he's in puberty. Then tomorrow…

"Oh no, Lucy, you okay?" Mira asked as she took Lucy's hand.

Lucy sniffed and wiped a tear from her eye, "seriously where is my baby boy?" The women all sighed and frowned.

"I know how you feel, seems like yesterday Ur was trying to lift one of my swords with all of her might. Now she's going to music school and barely uses her magic." Erza said with a small frown on her face. Lucy knew Erza was hoping her daughter would be like her and maybe one day lead a guild of her own or be a Wizard Saint. It was something all parents wanted, their kids to follow in their footsteps or just be better than they were.

Meredy chuckled, "I only have to do this four more times. Though it's so odd to see just how quickly and differently they grow up." If anyone knew it was Meredy, out of everyone here she had the most kids. Though Lucy understood, Natsu loved children and after their first, the two decided to go for as many as possible. Until Meredy's body couldn't handle the strain of another dragon-slayer pregnancy, something Lucy could relate to, little ones are strong and difficult on the body.

Mira and Cana held hands, "yeah, it felt like twenty minutes ago we brought Sammy home, just this cute little girl in sunglasses who liked to feel everyone's lips for smiles." They adopted Sammy in Minstrel after three long years and a pile of rejection letters in Fiore. Fairy Tail's reputation was so negative that they had problems, on top of being a same-sex couple. Which don't get Lucy started on that bullshit, nothing wrong with two moms or two dads.

"I remember when she told Erik that he seemed like a nice bad man. He wears that like a badge," Lucy added thinking of that moment and how proud her mate looked when little Sammy said that. Out of all the kids, he liked her so much that he gave her the nicest pet name, Samsonite. Well next to Ava, but only because of two things, one she was Hemlock's girlfriend and two he was scared shitless of her mom.

"Oh god, remember when Junior and Lock wanted to see if his farts could actually catch fire?" Meredy added and the whole group bust out into laughter.

That was quite the day, bored pre-teen boys with dragon slayer magic and no impulse control. The guild hall barely survived that little test, the only bad part of that outcome was the fact that it gave Erik and Natsu a few ideas to see if they could perfect the "Farting Dragon Fire Cloud of Doom" unison raid. Lucy easily talked her mate out of it with the simple, "do it and there will be no more blow jobs for a year."

As Lucy opened her eyes from laughing, she saw a fresh round of shots set before her and everyone else. She shook her head, "you know it's going to suck to sit through graduation tomorrow, hung over."

"Baby girl, that won't happen, you've been drinking with us for how long?" Cana asked.

She picked up her shot glass and thought about it for a moment, "way too fucking long. Surprised I haven't gone grey yet."

Erza snickered, "once you go Gray…"

The women all cracked up around the table and decided to toast to Gray and all shades of it for their next shot. The liquor burned down Lucy's throat and she enjoyed the hell out of it. If anything, it was nice to be out with the girls, though she'd still be just happy to be home, curled up, and watching _Archer_ with Erik.

In fact, she was kind of wondering what he and the guys were up to for the night. Something told her, they were probably doing the same thing as the girls but only with more fist fights and potty humor. Cause, they may look like grown men but each one of them (except Freed) was as immature as their teenagers.

* * *

"How the fuck is Freed still standing?" Cobra asked as he looked around the room. They guys had planned to the start the night with poker and drinks, you know keep it chill.

Then Natsu suggested a good old-fashioned brawl. They kind they used to have when they were younger and filled with too many fucked up ideas and testosterone. Which sounded like fun, then again any excuse to get into a fight was his idea of a good time.

Only Gray upped the ante, brawl for 2 minutes, drink for 3 minutes and repeat the cycle. After the first hour, the training grounds were fucked up and Cana's big barrel of booze was almost drained. Cobra knew he'd pay for that one later, he also knew the booze didn't bother him, it was a poison. So as the guys got slower and dumber, he was feeling fan-fucking-tastic.

Yet out of all the dad's, Freed was still standing, he looked just as posh as ever. The guy had good style and Cobra had developed a better friendship with him after their kids started dating. Though he'd never seen Freed drink before and barely fought with the guy, usually he was too busy overseeing his kids' education and being on the Magic Council.

Freed shrugged, "Merlin and I spent a decade on the Plane of Debauchery, we called it our honeymoon."

Cobra rolled his eye, he forgot about that, thanks to all kinds of fucked up things with time and their mating bond, Freed had lived more years than his appearance let on. "There's a plane for that?"

"Yes, it is quite," he pursed his lips, "charming."

"Charming? Really? You gonna go with that?" Cobra snickered as he stepped over Gray and back into the Guild.

"It is the best I can think of, words are not really friends-s," Freed replied and Cobra noticed the little bit of slurring that just happened.

He clicked his tongue and grinned, "yeah words suck."

Freed started to laugh as Cobra handed him a glass of water. Figured the guy should at least get a little hydration, their fun was over, and these old men were no longer the teenagers they used to be. Time to pack it in.

"Tomorrow they graduate," he added, and Cobra nodded as he dug around under the counter for the good cleaning supplies. Mira kept the best ones for him under the bar for mixing some badass cocktails or smoothies, when Sunshine was around.

He loved his mate, but wow, one little trip to the doctor's office and finding out he had blood pressure problems, um, no. So, she switched up his diet to include a few more veggies and lessened up on the harsher poisons. You know the good tasting ones. Cobra missed bacon, it went form staple to a once a week treat and bacon once a week? This wasn't fucking prison.

He got it, Sunshine was a worrier and she wanted to make sure they had plenty more years together. If the roles were reversed, yeah he'd do the same kind of shit and she'd hate it just as much but would understand it.

"Time sucks, like why it gotta be fast and faster and then you have a kid and it goes Ludicrous speed." He said as he grabbed a couple bottles and fixed himself a poison style of a Long Island Iced Tea.

Freed leaned against the bar and put his chin in his hand as he circled his finger around the rim of the water glass. "To quote my mate, time is bullshit, it's a construct designed to make you feel like rubbish."

Cobra's mouth fell open, "dude, you swore."

Freed laughed, "you live with Merlin, she's got a mouth on her that puts yours to shame. Especially when that friend of her's is around."

"Heh, you should hear Sunshine, she makes me fucking blush somedays. Speaking of which you think the girls are alright?"

"S-sure, it's just Lucy, Mira, Cana, Erza and Meredy with a bunch of drinks," he said, and Cobra high fived the guy. That was serious sarcasm and much appreciated, even better that Freed said it perfectly straight faced.

"So I should probably get bail money," he opined as he opened a drawer and pulled out a pack of smokes. He offered one to Freed and he took one, which meant the Rune mage was drunk-o-fuck.

The two sat around the bar, Cobra behind it with his feet up as he nursed his drink. Freed was half asleep, barely clinging to the conversation, it was a slow descent into drunkenness but holy shit if it wasn't fun just getting a chance to sit back and hang out. After all everyone else already tapped out.

* * *

Freed's forehead hits the counter and Cobra blows out a plume of smoke, "yo, welcome back to day two, Legal. Think it's pretty self-explanatory around here as to what the shit is going on, but hang on to your asses." He takes a drag and winks, letting the scene go back.

* * *

Being a randomly nice guy, he grabs Freed's hand and pushes back the burgundy shirt sleeve. There under the guy's wrist is a small tattoo, one of several more that the guy sported along the sides of his torso. Cobra tapped it, "yo, Merlin, he needs a lift home."

There's a shimmer in the air and Cobra lets go as Freed disappears through the fabric of reality. It's a cool looking moment and Cobra plays with the few bits of magic that float in the air before they vanish. He wished he had something like that with Sunshine, just a way to communicate or summon one to each other. Cause there were some days where he would love to have his Sunshine, like for handling morning wood.

He enjoyed the smoke and pulled out his portable communication lacrima, just to check for messages. Right now, everyone was split into groups, the kids all doing their thing, the chicks at the bar and here, all alone was Cobra.

It's a peaceful moment, nice and quiet. This was not going to end well.

* * *

Lucy punched the douchebag in front of her, right in the throat. He staggered back for a second before he stumbled forward and tried to thrust the broken beer bottle towards her. Out the corner of her eye she saw a chair go flying and ducked in time to miss it, but the other guy, not so lucky.

She pivoted on her foot and swept the legs out from her opponent right as he got to enjoy the feeling of chair to side of face. The whole place was in pure chaos, which was like Tuesday in the Guild, but here people legit were going to kill each other.

Since this wasn't a usual mage bar, the women were trying to not use their magic. That would be a new level of destruction and also, take away half the fun. Lucy rose to standing and saw Mira toss a guy off of Cana, as if he was nothing. "Mira!" she shouted, knowing all to well that one of her demon souls was ready to take over and crush anyone who hurt her lover.

Mira stopped and looked at Lucy, her face changed in the blink of an eye (literally) from the hard edge pissed off bitch to a bright smile. "Hi Lucy!"

Lucy chuckled and noticed that Mira was pointing, she dropped to her knees. Hard linoleum against old knees had her almost howling in pain, but it was better than getting hit with the barstool that went through empty air. She spun on her knees, groaning as sharp bits of glass cut into them before she threw out another punch, hitting this jackass right in the family jewels.

It was slow and she was wobbly, but Lucy got up and grabbed the collar of his shirt, as she pulled her arm back, ready to punch again. A large hand grabbed her wrist and she looked over her shoulder to see a Rune Knight standing there. She didn't recognize this guy and didn't care, though the look on his face had her remembering that she should chill the fuck out. Lucy let go of the drunken moron with a slight shove and smiled at the Knight.

"Evening, officer," she said, somewhat noticing that officer sounded more like _offisher_.

"Public disturbance, intoxication and assault," he said simply.

Lucy tried to tap into her flirty side, in her mind she was still that sexy little twenty something who could on occasion charm her way out of anything. She smiled and stepped towards him, running her fingers up his chest. "can't you just let us go, we didn't start it. I'm sure a good-looking guy like you has better things to do tonight than handle little me."

Well that's what she tried to say and do but in reality, it was more akin to her looking shocked and trying to touch him but instead he spun her around and put the cuffs on her. Lucy grumbled and actually said, "you fucking reject asshole, dickbag women hater. Bet your tiny dick doesn't get any action."

The guy said nothing as she let out a stream of swearwords and promises to do things to his body that were anatomically impossible. Lucy was shoved into the paddy wagon with her friends. Everyone looked pissed, except for Meredy who was just laughing.

"Wow! This is so exciting, like being kids again," she said before she hiccuped. The inside was not comfortable, the textured metal bench under her ass was cold and textured so that it dug into your sensitive ass. There was also a smell in here that Lucy was certain was not from her friends. In fact, she didn't want that smell's origin story.

"Only you Meredy," Cana chuckled.

Meredy's eyes went wide as she pouted, "what? It's just been so long since I got to get into trouble."

Lucy shook her head, "s-so didn't think the night was going to go this way." The women all burst out into laughter as the wagon started moving.

"We're Fairy Tail!" Erza called out, right before her head lolled back and Lucy could tell by the tensing of her torso she was trying to not vomit.

"Cana, how much did we drink?" Mira asked.

Her wife sighed, "enough to have an awesome story!"

The ride to the station was bumpy and by the end of it, everyone looked a little green and worse for the wear. They were hauled out and placed into the traditional "drunk tank". A female Rune Knight came around and took their names and numbers for someone to contact.

"A-are we being arrested?" Lucy managed to ask as she clenched her stomach. There was a chance that getting arrested could fuck with her magic, it wasn't a guarantee, but it was possible.

The woman laughed, "As if the new Captain would allow Fairy Tail to be arrested for a bar fight you didn't even start."

The five women all looked at each other, each one of them in a various state of shock and wondering what the hell was going on. The last Rune Knights they knew well, Lahar was dead and Mest was a guildmate. Lucy was trying to rack her brain and really wishing she kept up on local politics and shit but in the end she just didn't give a rats furry ass. Though she made a mental note, that she would forget later, to keep up on this a little better.

"Um, who's the Captain?" Meredy asked.

The woman stepped to the side and there on the wall was a picture of Sorano in a Rune Knight outfit. Lucy couldn't read the plaque under it, her vision was a little fuzzy but she knew Sorano anywhere, after all they had quite the history.

"Wait, how did you not know Meredy?" Cana asked.

Meredy shrugged, "we quit talking after I had Junior, she just," the pink haired mage slumped onto the creaky bench and put her hand into her hands. Lucy sat next to her and put her arm around her shoulders, this was the point of the night where the booze and adrenaline was starting to leave their bodies and reality was setting in.

They all understood, sometimes friends just drift away for one reason or another. Lucy was glad she still had her core group of friends after everything that happened or will happen. If she was all alone in this world, she would be in tears every minute of the day. The happy group of drunks, getting into bar fights had now turned into a group of tired, old(ish) women, holding each other crying.

* * *

When you get a call that your wife and her friends are in the drunk tank, you expect to see some crazy shit. The scene Cobra saw when he was led in back to get everyone home, had him frowning. The women were all holding each other and crying.

He looked over his Sunshine, she was looking rough and beat up as fuck, oh he was so going to give her shit for this late night fiasco. The guard spoke up and the women all looked over at him, "pick up service for The Sunshine Gang."

The women laughed and as soon as the door was opened he was mobbed. Cobra pushed Erza to the side as he saw Sunshine struggling to stand up, the dried blood that caked her legs unnerved him. He picked up his wife after reading the look of pain in her face. "Damn, you reek."

"Fuck you too," she replied, and he arched a brow, "I mean, thank you baby for coming to save me."

Cobra grinned at his mate and kissed her forehead, "do I want to know?"

"It should be perfectly legal for me to throat punch a dick for putting his hand up my skirt," she replied as Cobra walked down the hall being followed by a collection of drunk women who were all trying to talk about the bar fight, over each other. He blocked out the noise, trying to concentrate on his wounded little mate.

Sure, you may think he's being a nice guy, but nope, he was saving this story for later, just as a subtle reminder that she's just as bad as he is. Sunshine made a strange gurgle sound as she leaned her head to the side and threw up all down his side. Cobra paused and grimaced, Sunshine was out like a light bulb. "Yeah, you're too old for this shit."

* * *

As they get outside, everything pauses and Cobra looks over, "I know that was gross and I know that I am holding this over her head for the next 20 years." He places a kiss to her forehead, "but damn if I don't love this woman. Before you ask, yeah we make it to the graduation but if you think the adults are pretty screwed up, the kids looked even worse."

Cobra grins, "don't forget to review, fave, and follow." On cue the song _Sober_ by Tool begins to play, because it's the perfect bar close or end of a drunk night kind of song.

* * *

**Well...you heard the man, review and fave! **

**Note: Foamy (Day 3) is an explicit chapter and will NOT be available on FFN. You can find it on Archive of Our Own, MadSoullessQueen.**


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